Review #40: Hatchet (2007)

Cast/Notable Credits:
Adam Green (Director)

Tamara Feldman (Mary Beth): Dirty Sexy Money T.V. series (Pictured right)

Joel Moore (Ben): Dodgeball (2004)

Deon Richmond (Marcus): Van Wilder (2002), Scream 3 (2000)

Kane Hodder (Victor Crowley)

Mercedes McNab (Misty): Adams Family 1 (1991) & 2 (1993), Buffy the Vampire Slayer & Angel T.V. series

Joleigh Fioreavant (Jenna): Just hot...(Pictured right)

Tony Todd (Rev. Zombie): Candyman & Final Destination series

Robert Englund (Sampson): A Nightmare on Elm St.

John Carl Buechler (Jack Cracker): Friday the 13^th Part 5 Director

Adam Weisman (Halloween skeleton): Halloween, The Toolbox Murders (2004)

Trailer:


While vacationing in New Orleans during Marti Gras, a couple friends decide to take a “haunted swamp tour” in the swamps at night. Unfortunately, the tour boat gets stuck in a swamp that lays home to the ghost of Victor Crowley.

Victor supposedly died years early when a couple mean teenagers who picked on the deformed boy set his house on fire. His father arrived home and tried to save Victor. He tried chopping down the front door of the burning house to free his trapped son.

What he did not know was that Victor was pressed up against the door as he chopped the door down with a hatchet. Victor’s dad accidentally chopped through the door and hit his son in the head with the hatchet. Victor’s dad died years later and Victor’s ghost now haunts the swamp they lived in. The group now faces death and revenge from Victor Crowley.

Here's a running diary of the movie (a tribute to Shark)!

Beware: It contains spoilers (highlight to read) and...pretty much the whole movie/plot. So if you don't want to know what happens...skip down a long ways!

Somewhere in 2005 – I hear news about a cool horror flick called “Hatchet”. It’s labeled as “old school 80’s horror”.

2006 – I hear raving reviews about the movie on the internet, but no release date yet.

Early 2007 – Hatchet to be released in April!

April 2007 – Moved back to September 7, 2007

September 2007 – Movie will be “limited” release. Fuck!

September 7 – No theatre in the state of Colorado will show it. Damn it!

Late September – Release on DVD December 18…Finally!

December 18, 2007 – Go to store to buy film…sold out. WTF! Go to second store…sold out. Son of a bitch! Go to third store…and I get the last copy! Wahoo!

Movie itself:

0:20 – Freddy’s (Robert Englund) on rowboat fishing for gators with his redneck son on a cold night in a swamp.

2:30 – Freddy is calling his son a queer as his son attempts to take a leak off the side of the boat. He comments that he’s a queer because his son has to squat to take a leak. Hey...maybe it’s a medical condition. It could be some psychological thing that disables him not to be able to piss as he stands up. It could happen.

3:33 – Freddy gives in and pulls the boat over to the shore shortly after an alligator almost bites his son’s pee-pee off. His son goes over by a tree to finish his business. Meanwhile, I’m starting to get the feeling that those two aren’t alone as we hearing movement in the bushes.

5:00 – Freddy’s dead! And his son shortly follows as he gets his arm ripped off and guts ripped out of the body. Right now, I’m a little...not little...VERY disappointed because of the over use of gore. A couple camera shots of blood just splattering up against trees really didn’t do it for me.

6:00 – Opening credits and a Marilyn Manson song plays as we watch an underwater camera sequence find it’s way through the swamp and to a sewer system and up into the streets of New Orleans. Kind of reminds me of the movie Alligator, with the whole gator in the sewer feel…I’m weird like that. As the camera pans up to Bourbon St. and college students partying on the streets of Marti Gras.

7:00 – We get our first flash of boobies from a chick upholding the Marti Gras tradition.

7:08 – We get four more chicks lifting their tops up for our viewing pleasure.

7:52 – Six more sets of boobies from girls on a balcony looking down at the partying.

8:27 – Opening credit music fades away and we get our first glimpse at the lead characters of the movie (Ben & Marcus) as they maneuver their way through the crowded streets. It’s the dude from Dodgeball (Joel Moore), you know the skinny dude that falls in love with the eastern European ugly chick. His group crosses the street to a more quiet area just off to the party’s side. And he starts bitching about being there.

8:57 – Another shot of a chick smoking a cigarette with her shirt up above her little gum drops.

9:05 – Worse quote of the movie…Ben cries, “Haven’t you seen enough boobs?” WHAT? What man would ever say that? Anyway, whiney ass goes on to convince his three friends to take a “haunted swamp tour” instead of hanging around drinking and seeing boobs. Apparently he’s broken up with his girlfriend just right before the trip and is now depressed. Did he break up with her because…HE DOESN’T LIKE BOOBS?

10:05 – Ben takes off to find a swamp tour while his other two friends pretty much says “Thanks, but no thanks.” And Marcus (token black guy – Deon Richmond) reluctantly goes along with Ben.

10:38 – Ben and Marcus are walking down the sidewalk and pull up to some Swamp Tour business and sees a “CLOSED” sign on the door. So what would a normal person do? Leave. But no, Ben decides to knock on the door anyway. And guess who answers? Tony Todd, the Candyman (for those who don’t know, there is a horror movie franchise called the Candyman. And he also appears in the Final Destination franchise.) So the Candyman goes on to tell a spooky story of why he doesn’t do swamp tours any more. It’s because of what happened that one night. Highlight to find reason why he doesn’t do tours: BECAUSE: ( someone slipped on the boat and sued him. Yep, sued him. No deaths, or anything like that, sued him.) Didn’t see that one coming. So the Candyman sends them down the road to another swamp tour business.

14:15 – Ben and Marcus head on down the street joking about some chick Marcus slept with who had crabs. Ben says, “That’s what you get for dating a chick whose always itching herself.” Foreshadowing. They turn the corner and the see a chick throwing up on the sidewalk. A little too much bourbon in her tummy.

14:25 – Ben and Marcus enters the swamp tour business. It looks like a little voodoo pawn shop.

14:45 – Mercedes McNab (Misty) and Joleigh Fioreavanti (Jenna) show off their tits to an amateur film director named Shapiro.

14:52 – Misty & Jenna lesbo kissing.

15 Minute Recap:
- Freddy’s dead. And son.
- 14 different sets of boobies
- 1 chick throwing up
- Candyman telling a wonderful story about…(getting sued). * Highlight *
- Dude from Dodgeball being a puss and hating boobs
- Lesbo kissing

What a start to a movie!

15:25 – Misty and Jenna bickering about each other and the film telling us how dumb Misty really is. She’s never heard of NYU.

16:14 – Some really bad, over-the-top acting Asian dude (Shawn, the tour guide) with a bad accent enters the room. He charges Ben and Marcus $40 bucks each to go on the swamp tour.

17:10 – The cast enters a short yellow school bus to leave for the tour. Here we meet the remainder of the victims cast. An older Canadian couple (The Permatteo’s), and a quite mysterious girl named Mary Beth (Tamara Feldman). Marcus grabs a seat next to Jenna and Ben sits next to Mary Beth and then begins his pathetic attempt at picking her up. He congratulates her on having two names for her first name, and complements her coat. When he asks her if she has pets, Marcus smacks him on the back of the head from across the aisle.

18:52 – Mary Beth finally shuts down Ben’s attempts and the bus leaves for the swamp. The background music plays some campy Dink, Dink song (like the from Spaceballs with the Jawa rip-offs).

19:52 – Marcus “works” his magic on Jenna as everyone starts to introduce themselves and get acquainted.

20:39 – Shawn, the tour guide, starts his piss poor history lesson of the city of New Orleans as they drive through the city out to the swamps. He gets corrected several times as it becomes obvious that he doesn’t know what he’s talking about.

22:28 – Bus arrives at the swamp during the night and Misty and Jenna show off the goods to the camera one more time as the Canadian couple watch in ah. Every one gets onto a crappy pontoon boat decorated with Christmas lights.

22:59 – There’s an old fart in a small fishing boat in the swamp yelling at them to warn them not to enter the swamp. No one hears this as Shawn attempts to start the boat. It’s funny because he even attempts to whistle, but has no teeth, so nothing comes out. Shawn calls him Jack Cracker, the local guy who drinks his own piss.

24:17 – Shawn finally gets the boat started as the drive off, and Jack says, “Y’all gonna die.” And then he drinks a jug of his own piss. By the way, the guy who plays Jack is John Carl Buechler, the fucker who directed Friday the 13th Part 5. Yes…the shitty one.

24:24 – The group strolls through the swamp waters as Shawn continues to give a dumb history lesson about the swamp as he reads cliff notes about the history off cue cards.

26:30 – Shawn finally gets to his version of the Victor Crowley story and goes on telling them that Victor yells out “Daddy” through out the night. His story corrected by Mary Beth shortly afterwards. He mutters out, “Daddy” under his breath. Oh…my…God that is just too cheesy.

28:19 – Shawn pulls the boat over close to the shoreline and turns off the boat’s lights so every body can see the “ghosts” rising from the swamp. White lights appear. Everyone on the boat tells Shawn that they are just marsh vapors from a chemical reaction between the water and swamp gas.

28:48 – Marcus peeks over at Jenna as she scratches her crotch. The crabs joke comes full circle! And now Marcus is turned off by her. Shawn flips the lights back on and we get a quick glimpse of Victor Crowley retreating into the woods.

29:44 – Misty and Jenna once again show the goods to the camera.

30:01 – Ben starts attempt number two on Mary Beth and it’s just as pathetic.

30:57 – Shawn gets the boat stuck on a fallen derelict tree branch from the shores. Marcus, Ben and Shawn attempt to push the boat off from the tree branch.

31:29 – It starts to thunder and rain.

31:43 – Misty attempts to call the cops on her cell phone so they can send the police. Can’t tell the difference between the two. But has no “signal bars”. How convenient. Why is she the only one with a cell phone in today’s day and age?

32:45 – Water starts to leak onto the sides and sink the boat.

33:56 – People panicking as Canadian dude attempts to walk across the tree branch to land. He slips on the branch and cracks his nuts on the “wood”. Pun! An alligator pops out of the water and bites his leg. Mary Beth pulls out a gun and shoots the gator.

34:14 – Boat starts to sink faster as everyone panics and they begin their daring escape across the tree branch above gator infested waters. Misty freaks out and sits on the branch blocking traffic as three people fall off the branch into the water. The water’s not deep as you can tell the actors are trying to make it more dramatic than it really is. It’s like two feet deep as they scramble around. Two people get to shore as Shapiro fucks around in the water as they show an approaching alligator coming toward him. He flops around in the water some more and attempts to swim in the two feet of water. WTF? Just stand up and run! Anyway Shapiro completes his amazing escape and gets to shore as the gator swims off. Everyone’s relieved and safe. Wait a second…can’t gators walk on land? Oh well.

37:18 – Everyone has their “come to Jesus” talk with each other and we learn that Shawn just moved out from Detroit and started working for the tour business last night. The gun toting Mary Beth reveals that her dad and brother went out fishing in this swamp a few nights ago. Freddy and son. And she’s out her to find them and is carrying the gun for protection because the Victor Crowley legend is real. And Misty still can’t get any cell phone reception. The group continues on land through the swamp to find a road.

39:18 – Mary Beth tells the Victor story.

43:35 – Story finish and people don’t believe her as she points to the Victor Crowley house that sits just up ahead of them.

45:00 – The group continues towards Victor’s house and Ben states, “Everything’s gonna be alright.”

46:19 – Everyone stops in their tracks as a mysterious howl of “Daddy” is cried out into the night twice. They freak out and start to head back. The Canadian couple pretty much say “fuck it” and move on towards the house.

47:30 – Victor comes running out of the house towards them. Victor looks like a deformed shirtless elephant man in overalls.

47:38 – Victor picks up a hatchet and starts to butcher (the Old Canadian dude) in the shoulder down to the ribs.

48:00 – Victor grabs (Old Canadian chick) and pulls a T-Rex kill from King Kong on her. He rips her jaw apart splitting her head and leaving the tongue wiggling around. Nice!

48:15 – Mary Beth shoots Victor with the gun and he falls as everyone else bails out into the woods.

49:18 – Mary Beth regroups with the others and we find Marcus hiding up in a tree. He can see the city on the horizon. Misty has lost her cell phone, and they notice (Shapiro) missing from the group.

51:55 – We catch up with (Shapiro) and find him wandering through the woods. He stops and hides in a bush. Victor finds him and twists his head off.

53:20 – Marcus and Shawn argue and fight with each other as the group finds Shapiro’s camera bag. Inside they find a flashlight and his wallet. They discover that Shapiro is actually Samuel Bennett the computer analysis and has a business card of Doug Shapiro movie producer. We learn that others have secrets too. Shawn accent is fake, Jenna didn’t go to NYU, she went to Hofstra instead, and Misty has fallen for the movie director stunt three times already.

56:15 – The group finds (Shapiro’s) dead body.

57:04 – Misty’s cell phone starts ringing off in the bushes. Paula Cole’s ♫ “I don’t wanna wait for our lives to be over” ♫ song plays as the ring tone. You know the Dawson’s Creek theme song. They track the phone down and they end up back at the house. And the phone won’t let Misty call out.

58:16 – Ben and Mary Beth decide to enter the house to find weapons. They discover a bunch of eaten dead animals and Mary Beth’s dead brother and dad (Freddy).

101:46 – Victor pops out of a bush and cuts (Jenna’s) face off with a electric sander. Come on’ power tools? And they all run off.

102:45 – (Shawn) returns to grab the flashlight and is caught by Victor. Victor swings a shovel and takes off a leg and then uses it to chop off the head.

103:01 – Victor picks up the nearly dead (Jenna) and lowers her onto the shovel pole that is planted in the ground.

104:28 – The survivors regroup and start talking as Victor shows up again. Ben stabs Victor in the back with a pitchfork and everyone flees again. They group forms up again and they decide to fight back and they devise a plan. Get this…they’re gonna try to “burn” him by using old gas cans that Ben saw in the house.

106:24 – They return for the house…again.

108:18 – (Misty’s) head comes flying at Ben who is gathering up old gas cans inside of the house followed by (her body trunk – arms, and legs ripped off). Victor pops onto screen and starts attacking Ben. The others show up to help him fight Victor off.

108:54 – Ben successfully lights Victor on fire and Victor falls to the ground in flames.

109:19 – It starts to rain again. Wait a second when did it stop? Any way…the rain starts to put out the flames on the burning Victor. Ben and the others flee into the woods again, but this time past the house.

110:19 – Not raining anymore…and the find a cemetery and start looking for the entrance.

111:07 – Victor finds them in the cemetery and chases them around. They all converge on the locked gate and fall to the ground in a dog pile. Victor lies on top of Ben and drools saliva into Ben’s mouth. All three fight off Victor and flee back into the cemetery.

112:24 – Victor catches (Marcus) and rips his arms off to kill him.

113:18 – Ben throws up.

114:01 – Ben and Mary Beth return to the swamp as a steel pole comes flying out of the sky like a javelin and lands on Ben’s foot trapping him to the ground. Victor comes running out of the woods towards them. The two angles the pole towards the running Victor and he runs into the pole stabbing himself in the chest dying. As he dies, he spits blood into Ben’s face.

115:28 – They find Freddy’s boat and hop in and row off into the night.

117:16 – Mary Beth starts bandaging Ben’s foot and they start sobbing and weeping. Ben says, “We’re alive, we made it.” If you watched the film, I’m sure you’ve noticed every time Ben says something comforting, the opposite is about to happen.

117:19 – Something pulls Mary Beth into the water and she gets caught in the underwater trees.
118:02 – Under water shots of Mary Beth struggling in the weeds looking up towards the surface. We see Ben’s hand come through the water and reach out for her. Kind of like Frodo and Sam in the end of the Fellowship of the Ring. But not as gay.

118:18 – Mary Beth grabs Ben’s hand and gets pulled out of the water, only to find it’s Victor holding Ben’s ripped off arm with Ben lying in the boat bleeding to death.

118:30 – Mary Beth screams in Victor’s face as he holds her out of the water face to face with her.

End movie.

Villain:

Kane runs around swamp as a deformed guy slaughtering teens/twenty somethings...sounds familiar? He uses a hatchet to kill some, and pure strength on others.

Cast:

It was an okay cast. My favorites were Deon and Mercedes. Deon played a great scared black dude and Mercedes continues her success at a dumb hot blonde. I still can't picture Joel Moore in any type of lead role, didn't really enlighten me with this performance.

SFX/Gore:

I have to admit I was a little disappointed in this department. The body count was good at eleven, but the over use of blood/gore kind of turned me off. The kills were sweet, but I thought the continuing spraying of blood was a little excessive.

TNA:

Well the film did deliver a homerun ball here. A dozen plus two sets of breasts. Not bad. See what happens when you mixed Marti Gras with a horror movie. Great idea! I know the majority of them went by quick, but at least Mercedes and Joleigh continued to hold strong. No sex though, we do get a couple of lesbian kissing scenes. The beautiful, and ditsy Mercedes McNab...(side boob)

T.Gun's Take:

I liked the idea of a swamp killer. However, I didn't like the fact that the victims were just running around in a circle coming back to the same house for slaughtering. There was a good amount of humor and a diverse soundtrack attached through out the movie. The film did manage to unite three horror icons on the same screen. Way to go!

I wanted to love this movie much, much more, but couldn't.

Misc. Movie Trivia:
- Film opened on September 7, 2007 in limited release
- Was the last production to shoot in Louisiana before Hurrican Katrina hit
- Film trailer was made and promoted on the internet to create hype for the film before any actual film shots were made