Review #98: Waxwork 2: Lost in Time (1992)

Cast/Notable Credits:
Anthony Hickox (Director): WaxWork

Zach Galligan (Mark): WaxWork

Monika Schnarre (Sarah): Warlock (1993), Turbulence 3 (2001), Beast Master T.V. series

Patrick Macnee (Sir Wilfred): WaxWork

Jim Metzler (Roger): 976-EVIL (1988), Children of the Corn 3 (1995)
Trailer:


Waxwork 1 Link:

Plot:

WaxWork 2 (WW2) picks up directly right after the first film. As the house burns down, a wax zombie hand escapes and follows Mark and Sarah. The zombie hand follows Sarah home and murders her stepfather in the night. Sarah walks in during the murder and throws the hand down the garbage disposal and kills it. Unfortunately the rest of the world thinks Sarah killed her stepfather.

At her trial, she tells them of the WaxWork and the zombie hand, and no one believes her, except Mark. Court is at recess for the day, and Sarah is out on bail (I guess). Mark convinces Sarah to go to the house of Sir Wilfred to find any evidence that might support her story. The search the house and come to a room with a film projector. They turn on the film and it's Sir Wilfred telling Mark that he has left him the estate and gave him a clue to finding the secret passage to the hidden room where he and Mark's grandfather has collected memorabilia from their journeys fighting evil.

Mark and Sarah finds the secret passage and all the artifacts including a compass that lets them time travel. Mark wants to go through time to try and find some evidence that will save Sarah from conviction. She agrees and they open a "time portal" to another that lands them in the time and house of Dr. Frankenstein. Sarah is the doc's girlfriend, and she doesn't remember anything. Mark is the butler and finally convinces her of what has happened. Mark steals Dr. Frankenstein's reanimation journal (to prove Sarah's innocence) and they both hop through another time portal.

They get separated and lost through time and jump through different portals and get sent through different time scenarios before ending up in a renaissance time period where Mark is captured and Sarah is set to be married to some dude (Scarabis) trying to overthrow the King of England.

Mark learns through the spirit of Sir Wilfred disguised as a crow, that they are in a parallel dimension called Cartagra. God and Satan battle out their plans for humanity in this world. Mark also learns that he is a "time warrior" who is destined to jump through portals and battle evil. Sir Wilfred the crow, frees Mark from his captivity and Mark then battles Scarabis through portals and dimensions of time (hint: about one for each of the wax exhibits from the first) to free Sarah. Mark defeats Scarabis and sends Sarah back to the real world (with some evidence)as he decides stay behind and continue his legacy.

Huh...

Huh...

Huh...

Well. That was an interesting movie. Definitely took it's goofiness from the first movie to the next level...or two...or three. To put it simple, it was complete nonsense. Matter of fact, I think I lost a few brain cells watching that. But at least it was enjoyable to watch. Not a terrific movie from a horror perspective, but it would make a fun drinking game movie. Take a shot every time Sarah enters a new dimension and forgets who she is. Take another from each classic horror monster.

WW2 lacks any horror movie type of feel, but does deliver in good ole' fashion fun. It has to be placed up in the ranks of "cult status" because it's along the lines of Army of Darkness. Which also featured Bruce Campbell. Bruce = God. Not in this film, but overall. If God had a jaw. A big jaw.

The story is bizarre, and hops all around. The "mini" stories/portals pretty much have no relevant barring on the film. It's like someone just wanted to have a haunted house scene and the director said, "Let's do it!" And the haunted house scene was like a bad episode of Ghost Hunters mixed with the Amityville Horror. Anchoring the story was Bruce and Counselor Troi from Star Trek: TNG.

One thing what I hated about this film, they re casted the role of Sarah. WTF? Out is Deborah Forman and in is Monika Schnarre (pictured right). Monika's a little easier on the eyes, but are you telling me that you couldn't get Deborah to take out of her busy movie making schedule to come back for this one? (All none of them!) Please. I hate recasts!

So Gremlin-boy is the "time warrior". We get to meet his grandfather in the film, who is none other than David Carradine (Kung Fu). Are you kidding me? Kung Fu man? Yep, patience young grasshopper. Carradine plays a mid-evil beggar and gives Mark a sword to help defeat Scarabis. Can't you picture Gremlin-boy as a "time warrior"? Galligan. Zach Galligan. I like my martinis shaken, not stirred.

Despite all of its goofiness and crapiness, you have to give this movie a pass on pure enjoyment alone. Nothing makes senses, but some how it all fits together well. Sure there are more movies out there that put more time and effort into making their film, but this one is proof that you don't need a multi-million dollar budget to make something that's gonna suck anyway.

Misc. Movie Trivia:
-Film opened on May 11, 1992 and went straight to video
-Bruce Campbell (Evil Dead), Marina Sirtis (Star Trek: TNG...pictured right), Drew Barrymore (Scream), David Carradine (Kung Fu) all had small roles

Review #88: Van Helsing (2004)

Cast/Notable Credits:
Stephen Sommers (Director): The Mummy 1 (1999) & 2 (2001), G.I. Joe (2009)

Hugh Jackman (Van Helsing): X-men Trilogy, The Prestiage (2006)

Kate Beckinsale (Anna): Vacancy

Richard Roxbourgh (Count Dracula): Stealth (2005), Mission Impossible 2 (2000)

David Wenham (Carl): LOTRings 2, & 3, 300 (2006)

Kevin O'Connor (Igor): Flight of the Living Dead (2007), The Mummy, Lord of Illusions (1995)

Silvia Colloca (Verona): Lesbian Vampire Killers (2009)

Josie Maran (Marishka): The Gravedancers (2006) (pictured right)

Robbie Coltrane (Mr. Hyde): The Harry Potter Franchise

Stephen Fisher (Dr. Jeckyll): Hellboy (2004)

Trailer:


Plot:

The "Order" in Vatican City sends the famous monster slayer, Van Helsing to Transylvania to protect a family from the evil clutches of Count Dracula. Accompanying him is the "Order's" genius weapon creator, Carl. Velkan and Anna Velarious, brother and sister, are the last of the Velarious family. Once the last descendant of their family is dead, Count can rule the world. Velkan is killed by a werewolf sent by the Count shortly before Van Helsing arrives.

Van Helsing and Carl arrives at the village to an unwelcome reception. They meet Anna who refuses their help. Within minutes of meeting, Count's three vampire brides attack the village in an attempt to kill Anna. Van Helsing kills one of the brides, Marishka, and the other two Aleera and Verona retreat. Anna reluctantly accepts Van Helsing's services.

Later that night, Anna's dead brother, Velkan returns from the dead as a werewolf and under the power of Dracula. Velkan appears before Anna as a human and then transforms into the beast in an attempt to kill her. Van Helsing steps in and battles her werewolf brother. Anna stops Van Helsing before he is about to kill Velkan. She tells him that there might be a way to save him. They have three days to find the cure that Dracula holds before Velkan is turned into a werewolf forever.

Van and Anna travel to the Dracula's castle and discover thousands of eggs which they assume are Dracula's offspring. Using Frankenstein's formula for reanimation, Dracula brings his offspring to life. The gremlin looking vampire offspring attack the village in order to feed and become stronger. Unfortunately there's a missing piece to the formula as the gremlin bats die unexpectedly. Also in the castle, Dracula and Van confronts each other and the Count drops a "I know your history bomb" onto Van, who apparently doesn't know his secret past.

Van and Anna escape and flee to a destroyed wind mill, fall through some old, burnt wooden boards and find Frankenstein hiding in the dark. Frankenstein tells them that he holds the key to the formula's success. Over hearing the conversation is Dracula's werewolf spy, and he flees before Van can kill him. Disturbed by the sudden turn of events, Van promises Frankie protection from Dracula in Rome in order to keep the secret hidden and protected. Frankie agrees and the three of them venture back (and pick up Carl on the way) to Rome.

On the way, they get ambushed by Velkan the Werewolf and Dracula's remaining bitches (brides). The convoy crashes, Van gets bit by the werewolf and Anna gets captured by the vampire bride, Verona or Aleera. One of the hot ones. Actually it's Aleera, Verona dies in the incident. How dare they kill her?! (Silvia Colloca: Verona; pictured left) Once in Rome, Aleera offers Van an exchange, Anna for Frankie. Van agrees, only if it's done in public. Of course Count sets up a trap, eventually getting his hands on Frankie.

Now Van must confront Dracula to free Frankie, and possibly obtain the secret werewolf cure Dracula holds. Because only a werewolf can beat Dracula. So as a backup plan, Count always has a vial of werewolf cure just in case things get a little hairy. Eventually Van turns to a wolf and dukes it out with Count while Anna battles Aleera, and Carl battles Igor.

It's great seeing all the favorite legendary monster on the big screen with each other. For some reason, history always suggests that Frankie is a good guy out of the bunch. Turn him evil! That would be much funner. Dracula portrays the ultimate bad guy, and wolf man is just a pawn bitch. Dr. Jeckyll/Mr. Hyde was a little bit over the top fake CGI-ish. It kinda rubbed me the wrong way.

The end of the movie was a little disappointing. It became a little too CGI heavy with the final battle between Count and Van. The battle was like watching a video game in the movie theater. There was just a "real life" element missing to the end. Too much CGI!

Hugh Jackman playing Van Helsing...yeah, I couldn't see it. Maybe it's because I only see him as Wolverine now. I'm sorry, I've "type-casted" him. He's now the Luke Skywalker of the X-men series. Sorry Hugh! The best character in the movie happened to be Carl, Van's side kick. He was played by David Wenham, better known as Faramir from Lord of the Rings. He was a pretty like able, funny character. He was a monk...I mean Fryer, as he would put it, that was the "Order's" weapon genius. I got away with a lot of un-monk-ish things by being a Fryer, like scoring with a village hot chick. Chastity...overrated.

As for the lead female character, Kate Beckinsale you must think, "Wow. Two Beckinsale flick reviews within a week. You must really like her." No. She's hot, but Vacancy kind of just happened to be on, and this one was in the works anyway. Kate portrays a tough chick...werewolf hunter...right...I didn't buy it either. She looked hot in her tight fitted wardrobe, tighten those waist strings a little tighter, and maybe her twins will pop out. But in the end, she seemed to always be the a tag-a-long damsel in distress which Van had to save. She barely did anything tough or heroic in the film except for battle with the vampire chick bride, Aleera. Chick fight! Yeah. It was good fight, but it still was overshadowed by her poor performance. And her European accent was just down right horrible. *** SPOILER ***Highlight to read. I was glad to see her die in the end. It was actually a nice twist on the film. *** END SPOILER ***

Kate Beckinsale wasn't even the hottest female in the film. All three of Count Dracula's brides are hotter in my opinion. Elean Anaya (Aleera...and pictured right twice!) is probably the hottest of the bunch. How could a girl like this become a girl like that? If you have trouble identifying her, compare the traits on her chest.

Overall, it's a good monster flick to watch...a.k.a. good popcorn flick. Outside of the over use of CGI in the film, it was enjoyable to watch. It happened to be one of the better movies that featured Dracula in recent history. Most of Count's movies have sucked. And I'm a vampire fan, so this film was pleasing for me.

Misc. Movie Trivia:
-Film opened on May 7, 2004 and made $120 million at the Box Office ($51.7 million opening weekend)
-Made $65 million the first week of DVD sales
-Originally planned as a sequel to 1992's Bram Stoker's Dracula with Anthony Hopkins reprising the role of Abraham Van Helsing
-Van Helsing's name changed from Abraham to Gabriel
-Distributed to theaters as "The Vatican Detective"
-There are many parallels/tributes to Universal's Wolfman (1941), Frankenstein (1931) and Dracula (1931)
-There are no opening credits, nor an actual title card

Review #73: The Monster Squad (1987)

Cast/Notable Credits:
Fred Dekker (Director): Night of the Creeps (1986), RoboCop 3 (1993)

Stephen Macht (Detective Crenshaw): Graveyard Shift (1990), Trancers 3, 4, & 5

Mary Ellen Trainor (Emily Crenshaw): Romancing the Stone (1984), The Goonies (1985), Leathal Weapon 1-4, Die Hard (1988), Scrooged (1988), Action Jackson (1988)

Tom Noonan (Frankenstein): RoboCop 2 (1990), Last Action Hero (1993)

Ryan Lambert (Rudy): Kids Incorporated T.V. series

Leonardo Cimino (Scary German Guy): Amityville Horror 2 (1982), Dune (1984), Waterworld (1995)

Jason Hervey (E.J.): Back to the Future (1985), The Wonder Years T.V. series

Jack Gwillim (Van Helsing): Clash of the Titans (1981), Patton (1970), Jason and the Argonauts (1963)

Trailer:


Plot:

The Monster Squad is a bunch of kids who idolize monsters and monster movies. Their hideout is up in a tree house in their leader's (Sean Crenshaw) back yard. Members of the Monster Squad are: Sean (leader), Patrick (skinny dork), Horace (the fat kid), Eugene (the pip-squeak midget), Rudy (the older, cooler enforcer kid), Phoebe (Sean's younger sister), and the family dog.

Monster Squad Mascot: the Crenshaw's family dog

Membership to get in: passing the monster quiz. Not really hard.

Membership benefits: business cards, and the peep show at Patrick's sister as she constantly changes clothes in front of her bedroom window, conveniently located in camera's view from the tree house. And the right to battle monsters that invade your town.

Sean receives an old book from his parents which happens to be Abraham Van Helsing's personal journal. Unfortunately the diary is in German and not English. In order to find out what the diary says, the squad seeks out the help of the town's scary German guy. And that's the name he is credited with in the movie. Scary German guy, must have been Writer's block. I shall call him SGG for short. Luckily for the squad, SGG translates the journal into English for them.

The journal describes, in great detail, an amulet that is composed of a concentration of good. Whatever that means. And the journal also explains that once every century, the forces of evil and good reach a balance and the amulet can be destroyed thus letting the evil forces rule the world.

And that "once every century" day happens to be:

A. The following day at the stroke of midnight.

B. On Friday the 13th

C. On Saturday the 14th

D. Not for another 20 years or so.

If you answered A, then you're a strong candidate for writing the sequel. And correct. If you answered B, you're watching the wrong movie. If you answered C, then you're still watching the wrong movie. And if you answered D, you're an idiot.

But wait...there's more to the story! Also in the journal, Van Helsing wrote a German passage that can temporary defeat the monsters. A virgin must read the passage out loud to open up a mysterious vortex, called Limbo. Once the vortex is opened, the monsters will be sucked into Limbo. What is Limbo any way? Isn't that a game were you straddle underneath a bar on a Hawaiian tiki fire god's beach or something?
While the squad deciphers the journal, legendary monsters are gathering in the town looking for the amulet themselves. Count Dracula leads the group of "baddies", which also includes, Frankenstein, the wolf man, the mummy, and the Gill-man. They all arrive differently to this unnamed town, the mummy escapes from the local museum. Frankenstein, Dracula, and the Gill-man fall out of the back of an airplane that was transporting them somewhere. And the wolf man...well, he just shows up.

As the "evil-doers" (to quote some other famous guy...don't know who he...I mean "it" is...but I'm sure he's...I mean "it" again...is famous) randomly show up in their own fashion, Dracula sends Frankenstein to search out the Helsing journal. Of course, Frankenstein isn't the sharpest crayon in the box, and he ends up befriending the squad and helping them out.

The "evil-doers" find the amulet first, but cannot get to it because it's surrounded by items of "good". Or something like that. They eventually trick the squad into retrieving it for them, as the squad narrowly escapes and makes a final stand in the town square as that magical hour of midnight approaches. Not to spoil the movie for you, but then the battle of good versus evil begins.


I loved this movie when I was a kid. After going back and watching all these films ten, fifteen, twenty years later, I say to myself, "Man. Was I an idiot or what?" This film was brilliant in it's laziness. K.I.S.S. Keep It Simple Stupid. Also a bad rock band. It's been a while since I've brought them into the picture. Just remember...they drove the young Michael Myers into killing. At least that's how Rob Zombie envisioned it. The film doesn't even try to explain anything. It's like it had seven days to film the thing. Present and idea/event and BOOM! Move on. Don't look back. Keep up the pace. Leave any man behind.

What I mean is that, there are many random things that happens and the film doesn't even bother explaining them. Like, the journal. Sean's parents just happen to give him this journal. Where'd it come from? Film: who cares? Present the scene and move on. BOOM! Move on! Leave all questions for the weak. It's brillant. They don't waste the effort on explaining things. And yes, the movie is full of plot holes, but after awhile, you just come to accept it. Like the movie itself points out, "How does the dog get up here?" Lazy script writing. Or George Lucas's cop-out: "Will of the force."

Examples of lazy writing/not explaining anything/random crap:

1. Lack of character's names. The SGG (Scary German Guy) who goes on to play an important role of the film. You seriously can't think of any German surname to give him? He's just referred as the SGG.

Another...Patrick's sister (actress Lisa Fuller). The "virgin" of the film. Can't even give her a name like Sally, Jennifer, Tiffany or something like that. Nope. Just Patrick's sister. Fortunately for the actress, all she has to identify herself as is the girl that says when questioned about her virginity, "Well, Steve...but he doesn't count." Everyone knows that girl. Wow...Tiffany Amber Thiesen came up during a google search for the name, "Tiffany". So why tease? Here she is.

Another...the town's name. Can't even come up with a generic name. Let's just identify it as Springfield. Works for me.

2. The before mentioned, Van Helsing's Journal. How'd it end up in the town. And then pawned off on Sean. Who happens to discover it's usefulness. Just a random unexplained event. Important to the film's plot, but the orgin...well who cares? Right. Hit the hole and move on! That's what the movie does.

3. Wolfman. He just shows up at the police station asking to be arrested. Was he the crazy town local? Just passing through? Did he even have a name? Poof! He's there.

4. The house with the amulet. So the bad guys needed a place to hide out, and happened to shack up at the house with the amulet hidden in the basement. The writer's explain this by saying, "Helsing's deciples didn't do a very good job hiding the amulet." Really? That's the best you can do?

Speaking of the amulet, I think I understood more about it when I was a little kid. Dracula finds the amulet in a hidden stone room in the basement of the house. Inside the amulet was surrounded by crucifixes, and other forces of "good" items. When I was a kid, I knew that he couldn't get to the amulet because of those items and later tricks Sean into retrieving it. When I was watching, I was waiting for a dumb line about why they couldn't get the amulet. But there wasn't one. I guess I was smart as a kid assuming why they couldn't get the amulet.

5. SGG's tattoo. After SGG translates the journal to the kids, he walks him out of the house and at the last second the camera zooms in on his left arm and we see a numbered tattoo. Everyone who has seen the film has basically assumed that it's from a Nazi concentration camp. Who knows, maybe it's like from the Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles T.V. show. Resistance soldiers from the future have those tattoos on their arms. Maybe SGG was sent back through time to help the squad or to protect them. "Come with me if you want to live." Hmm. I think I'm on to something. Probably not, but yet another unexplained random event from the film.

Those are just five examples of lazing writing, I could go on, but it sounds like I'm bashing the film. I'm not. Honestly. I'm just pointing out the brillance of introducing something, rolling with it, and moving on. I bought it as a kid. And kind of bought it as an adult. The devil's in the details. Not in this film. They left the devil out.

On a side note, I do have to mention that the Rudy character is played by Ryan Lambert. Rudy gives us the worst line from the movie, "See ya later, band-aid breath." Why? Lambert's previous credits include the kid's television show, Kids Incorporated. Here are a few alumni from the show.
Eric Balfour - Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake
Stacy Ferguson - Fergie! and Planet Terror
Jennifer Love Hewitt - IKWYDLS

Also gives me reason to post the two pictures up. If you can't decipher who's who in the photos, then your life is wasted. You may need to get out more.

I do have to bash the film for under-utilizing the Gill-man. The dude's hardly in the film and then dies like a b*tch and the hands of the fat kid. We see him in the swamp sequence, and then...at the final battle. Whoop-dee-do. At least he had a movie of his own. Matter of fact, we need more Gill-man. There's a million vampire, werewolf, Frankenstein and at least three bad Brendan Frasier Mummy movies, but Gill-man...nope...shut out. A lost creature cause. Moved to the back burner of monsters. Playing second fiddle to Jeckel and Hyde. Hollywood's new replacement for Gill-man. And that just sucks. Need more Gill-man.

Misc. Movie Trivia:
-Film opened on August 14, 1987 and made $3.76 million at the Box Office
-Liam Neeson was considered for the Dracula role
-Dustin Diamond (Saved by the Bell!) had a small role which was cut from the film