Review #69: Prom Night (2008)

Cast/Notable Credits:

Nelson McCormick (Director): Primal Force (1999)

Brittany Snow (Donna): The Pacifier (2005), Hairspray (2007), John Tucker Must Die (2006)

Scott Porter (Bobby): Speed Racer (2008), Friday Night Lights T.V. series

Jessica Stroup (Claire): The Hills Have Eyes 2, Left in Darkness (2006) (pictured right)

Dana Davis (Lisa): Hereos and The Nine T.V. series

Brianne Davis (Crissy): Jarhead (2005), The Kid & I (2005)

Idris Elba (Det. Winn): 28 Weeks Later, The Reaping, American Gangster (2007)

Trailer:


Another remake.

Another PG-13 remake.

Another 88 minutes of my life I can't get back.

It's been 28 years since the original Prom Night hit the screens. Jamie Lee Curtis was continuing her legacy at being the "Scream Queen", and one of the hottest cast members was still two years from being born.

Wait a second, that means we had a...let me do the math real quick...28 minus 2, eh...a 26 year old playing the part of a high school senior!

Let's check out the rest of the cast...24, 20, 20...holy crap, another horror movie where twenty year olds are portraying high schoolers. I've never seen that done before. Honestly.

Prom night is that magical night which high schoolers dream about. The girls wanna flaunt how pretty they look while the guys just want to get laid. I guess that's one thing the movie tried to get right.

Plot: Donna comes home to find her family brutally murdered by her obsessive high school teacher...I gotta mention this...

Donna comes through the front door, "Mom, dad, I'm home!" Continues to walk around the house talking, stumbles over baseball bats, enters her brother's room, still flapping the jaws, while the killer is chasing down her mother. Donna eventually crawls under the bed only to watch her mother get murdered in front of her. And the killer's got no clue that she's in the house, after making all that racket. Any way...

The killer is caught and sent to prison for life. Three years later, it's Prom time. And the killer escapes. Still obsessed with Donna, he shows up at her prom picking off her friends one by one. Predictability and stupidity ensue.

Here are 28 pit falls or flaws...you choose...of the film. That's one for every year since the original film.
1. In order to escape from a maximum security prison...just go through the air vents.

Wow. The secret is out. Don't tell any inmate in the thousands of jails and prisons across America and the world. Just go through the air vent. Duh. I hope they don't show this for Movie Night in prison. We'll have a lot of escapees on our hands then. And it takes 3 days to come public. Right.

2. Covering your mouth will keep you from screaming.

I should have known that. How stupid of me. Whenever I have the urge to scream...just cover my mouth and it will go away. I wonder if this works with...coughing, sneezing, talking, eating...

3. There aren't any ugly kids in high school.

Kids turn ugly before and after high school. In our magical land of where everyone's pretty, we can't find any ducklings in the pond. I wish Brittany Snow went to my high school! (Pictured left)

4. Being Prom Queen is the most important thing in the world.

And you know it! That single most important moment in every girl's life cannont be topped. Because no girl who has not been Prom Queen has gone on to do anything with their lives. We're surrounded by Prom Queens.

5. Never run down the stairwell in high heels.

Chances are...you're gonna fall. Just saying. Don't believe me. Try it if you want.

6. Never hide in the "under construction" remodeling section of the hotel.

Following #5, when you do fall down and injure one of your legs conveniently letting the killer catch up, you make your next fatal move...hiding in the "closed off" portion of the hotel. It's so closed off, that a massive clear plastic sheet acts as a barrier keeping unwanted people away. This would make a good hiding place. And you can call for help to the numerous people hiding in this section also. (Davis and her twins pictured right)

7. Stay in the building and go search for your friends when the fire alarm sounds off.

Just because your friends are idiots and don't know what a fire alarm means. Take it upon yourself to save them.

8. Instead of taking the killer's target to a secure place, just let her go home.

So you've found the girl the killer has been stalking, but you can't find the killer. What should you do? Send her home with two other cops while you search for the killer at the hotel he's probably already deserted by now. The police station is too secure for her. We wouldn't want her to go through any more discomfort being safe now would we? And it's cheapier sending two cops to "protect" her. With budget cuts, and inflated over-time issues, why go for safety? What are the chances that two cops will be killed as the killer makes one last attempt at a girl who's now feeling safe and secure in her own home?

9. You can stab someone to death instantly with little blood.

It's a neat trick. Really. I would explain the physics of it, but I don't have the time.

10. Don't lend your kids your credit card on Prom Night.

How else were they going to pay for the limos and hotel rooms? It had to be the parents because high schoolers are eligible for credit cards. If it was the parents then...they support their kids having sexual activity on prom night. On a side note: I didn't know that hotel rooms had a fully stocked liquor cabinet. I guess it's a perk for the senior HIGH SCHOOL prom. I don't see any liability issues.

11. Don't go have sex with your boyfriend upstairs minutes before the announcing of Prom Queen and King.

Especially if you happen to be in the running for and craving about all movie. "We're gonna announce the winners after this song." So let's go up to the 3rd floor hotel room and pound out sex and rush back down in time for announcements. You've got what...5 minutes tops? Unless they're playing an old Pink Floyd song. I don't think I can get to the hotel room in that five minutes, yet alone do the nasty and get back down. Brilliant writing. Brilliant.

12. News of an escaped killer who's stalking your niece is less important than ruining her prom.

Ah yes, she's been through enough already. Let her have her prom moment. Who cares that this guy has already slaughtered her mom, dad and little brother, let her have her moment. As if any more of her friends are in danger, or herself.

13. Don't scream for help when the killers trying to kill you.

That would just be insane. Especially when the cops are in the next room. Why do you need help? As if he's done anything harmful in the past.

14. When you remember who that person "you've seen before and can't put your finger on it", don't bolt out of the hotel room like a crazy women with out telling your boyfriend who happens to be right next to you.

Given the killer's previous history, you would think it would be a good idea to tell your big, strappin', young boyfriend what's going on. But that wouldn't fit into the whole "pick off the victims one by one" scenario.

15. Placing dead bodies up in the ceiling air vents is quick, easy and clean!

Who said dead, bloody bodies are messy? We've found a killer who can lift a 150 lb body and properly place it above his head in the ceiling air vent in less than a minute AND not get a drop of blood on anything. The mob needs to hire this dude.

16. Evacuate a building first and then search for the killer and target.

Because it's easier to search the place after hundreds of people have panicked and fled out the doors within a matter of minutes. Who cares if he's "slipped" by you? At least you didn't cause a panic or mass hysteria.

17. Having your family slaughtered in front of you will inspire you to be a straight "A" student.

No psychological trauma follows. Except: during times of transition, at least according to the film. Psychological Trauma often heightens during times of transition, like graduating from high school. But the periods in between are O.K. It's your chance to feed off your family's slaughtering and achieve academic heights. Why should you let your traumatic event screw up your grades? High school's not a transition period. Or is it?

18. Only three people work at hotels.

Or at least this hotel. Of course we have the (choose the ethnic properly) cleaning lady. Hint: south of the border. "House Keeping!" She maintains all the cleaning on all the floors. And gladly opens doors to rooms when the key doesn't work without questioning anything. We also have the front desk clerk, who is happy to help all customers all at the same time. And we have the bus boy. The do-everything boy. She can clean my house!

19. Your high school prom committee goes $100,000 over budget for prom.

WTF?! $100,000! What is this, MTV's My Super Sweet 16? Who the hell spends that much on a prom? And that's over budget. Who knows what the budget was? This is why foreign countries hate America.

So what did they spent money on. They held the prom in the ball room of some luxurious hotel. I guess the school's gym is booked for the weekend. And everything looked pretty. Where the hell the other $99,900 went...I don't know.

If a prom committee that spends $100,000 over budget for prom, then they all deserve to die. Unfortunately they don't.

20. Killers NEVER are hiding in the closet.

Nor do closets make the best hiding spot. And when you mix the two together you get...a scene in this movie, and a headache.

21. Whenever a phone line is down/cut...probably means something bad is about to happen.

So stop calling! But as long as the light in the bedroom is on...everything is ok. Your partner has everything under control. Nothing's wrong, the light is on. The phone line could have got cut by a rabid squirrel or something. Plus rich people don't have cell phones, so the only way to get a hold of them is the home's land line.

22. Wearing slutty dresses is bad.

Wait a second, no they aren't. It's prom. It's coming off anyway. It just enhances your chances of dying in a horror movie.

23. Plots can be explained in a police report.

To save valuable screen time and minutes, it's the best way for the audience to get caught up to speed. Plots are over-rated.

24. Police show up after everything has happened.

Typically it's true because they are "reactive" rather than "preventative". But when they know what's going on ahead of time, and they still show up last, while they mindlessly watch you at the prom, but still manage to lose you when it counts. Come on'. Cops aren't that inept.
25. The only time you fall is when you are running away from the killer.

Rules of engagement. Just like when cell phones don't work when you need them to.

26. Hiding under the bed is the safest place.

Probably because your dead friend is there next to you. They'll protect you. Why would the killer look there? As long as you don't make a peep, the killer won't find you.

27. The lead detective will outlast all other cops.

The guy wearing street clothes. No utility belts, armored vest, the dude in kakihs. Why? He's got that "history with the killer" thing going on.

28. The ORIGINAL is BETTER! There I said it.

Just in case you haven't picked up my "tone" on the movie, it wasn't that good. I would like to say that it was a half way decent movie, but I can't. Honestly I could add more to the list, but had to find a "good" stopping point...or just pausing the movie and looking at this chick (Brittany Snow pictured below) for...an hour.

This movie felt more like I Know What You Did Last Summer at a high school prom than it did of the original film. Another teenie bopper, eye candy, crappy horror movie. The characters were developed poorly. They were disposable and had paper thin acting. I cared nothing for them. In fact if the killer wasn't such a sh*tty character, I would have rooted for all of them to be killed.

As for the killer, the bus boy was more scary looking. Oooh a dude in a black baseball cap. Scary. The film could have developed some sick tendencies with the killer's obsession with Donna, but the film never went down that road. It gave us little insight to the mind of the killer, and frankly it made him less scary.

The film lacked a horror movie atmosphere and cheap scares didn't even do the trick. STOP USING THE MIRROR SCARE TRICK!!! It hasn't worked the last hundred times! Characters mindlessly were put in situations that left them conveniently one on one with the killer and everything else was predictable and no imagination was used in the film.

I guess the movie's biggest crime is that it didn't address the consequences of Prom Night. Drinking leads to teen sex which leads to babies which leads to RESPONSIBILITY. No they rather say drinking leads to teen sex which then leads to death. How dare they? They wasted a perfectly good opportunity to promote safe sex and educate America's youth...Just kidding. I don't give a sh*t about any of that.

This movie is yet another example that hurts the cause of remaking movies. If you're gonna do something again, then do it right. The film was better off using another name than trying to pass it off as a Prom Night remake. I hate to say that director Nelson McCormick's best work is behind him. After all, he was the mastermind behind the straight to T.V. flick "Primal Force". Ron Perlman. Mutant killer baboons. Deserted island. How could you go wrong!? Why couldn't he make this flick that simple?

Misc. Movie Trivia:

-Film opened April 11, 2008 and made $43.8 million at the box office ($20.8 million opening weekend)...Really?
-$100,000 was spent over budget for prom
-The unrated version offered nothing more to make the movie better

Review #68: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning (2006)

Cast/Notable Credits:
Jonathan Liebesman (Director): Darkness Falls (2003)

Jordana Brewster (Chrissie): The Faculty, The Fast & Furious 1 (2001) & 4 (2009), D.E.B.S. (2004), Annapolis (2006)

Diora Baird (Bailey): Accepted (2006) (pictured right)

Matthew Bomer (Eric): Flightplan (2005), Tru Calling T.V. series

Trailer:



Tagline:

Witness the Birth of Fear

Plot:

The story kicks off on August 7, 1939 in a Travis County meat-packing plant. We see a mother dying giving birth to a child (Leatherface). The plant boss wants nothing to do with the newborn and abandons it in the dumpster outside.

Another female, Luda Mae Hewitt, discovers the child while digging through the dumpster and takes him home. She ends up calling the kid...Thomas. TCM the Beginning then shows a montage of pictures of Thomas growing up and then the story settles in with Thomas as an adult working at the meat packing plant.

The health department strolls into the plant and closes it due to bad conditions. Thomas continues working and the boss yells at him, but Thomas doesn't want to leave. In the end, Thomas ends up killing the owner with a meat clever.

The Hewitt family learns that Thomas has killed the owner and his uncle Charlie accompanies Sheriff Winston Hoyt over to the plant. The two meet up with Thomas on the road and Sheriff Hoyt is about to arrest Thomas when Charlie ends up shooting the sheriff and taking over his identity. Maybe he was listening to Eric Clapton's ♫ "I Shot the Sheriff" ♫.

Charlie...now under the identity of Sheriff Hoyt...arrives back home and vows to the rest of the family that they will defend each other and never leave the home. Basically he went further off the deep end, and the only way to be free is to kill anyone they come in contact with.

In July of 1969, two brothers, Eric and Dean are driving across the country with their girlfriends (Chrissy and Bailey)for the last time before they enlist into the army and get shipped out to the Vietnam War. It's their last weekend of freedom...they assume as we would...they're gonna die in Vietnam.

Dean is reluctant to go in the army so he has secretly burned his draft card and is waiting for the right time to tell his brother that he is thinking about running to Mexico. Eric on the other hand is gun-ho with the situation and believes that his brother is on board with him.

The four run into a gang of bikers which leads to them being pissed off and chased by one of them. While being pursued by a female biker, the group crashes into a stray cow in the middle of the road...causing a wreck...totaling their Jeep and the chick's bike.

Sheriff Hoyt (Charlie) arrives on the scene and shoots the female biker and takes three of them (Eric, Dean and Bailey) hostage and back to the Hewitt residence as Chrissy hides in a nearby cornfield. Hoyt finds the burned draft card and uses that as leverage to screw with the group.

Once at the Hewitt residence the typical physical and psychological torture ensues that we have already gotten used to in the Texas Chainsaw movies. Chrissy meets up with the female biker's boyfriend and the two of them decide to "storm" the Hewitt residence with out any help. Chainsaw sparks, murder, mayhem and fun follows!

The remake of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre has a sequel and the sequel is a prequel. That just sounded cool. In this movie, we get to learn the origins of the famous Hewitt family and Leatherface himself. As for the rest of the movie, it’s kind of the same plot as the rest. A group of kids run across the evil clutches of the Hewitt family, while one, two or maybe even three of them meet their maker by the end of a buzzing chainsaw. Will Jordana Brewster meet her end? (Pictured Right)

Is this movie any different from the others? No. Not really. Like I said, we get to learn how the family becomes the sadistic cannibal bunch they are. And that’s where the beauty of the movie lies. The other 75-80 % of the movie is just the same old act with a new cast. What else would you expect from a movie that has "The Beginning" in its title and "Witness the Birth of Fear" as its tag line? If you didn't expect that then, pack your bags, swipe daddy's credit card, load up with condoms and grab the mini fridge, because it is off to college to learn Texas Chainsaw Massacre 101!

Hewitt Family History 101 (TCM101)
3 Credit Course
Prerequisite: None
Must register for a Recitation Course (TCM102)

Classes offered:
MWF: 9:00 -10:00 am Michael Bay Bldg Room C106
MWF: 7:00 - 8:00 pm Liebesman Hall Room D203

Recitation Courses (TCM102)
M: 3:00 – 4:00 pm Hansen Hall Room A74
T: 11:15 – 12:15 pm Hooper Hall Room B19
W: 6:00 – 7:00 pm Hansen Hall Room A74
R: 11:15 – 12:15 pm Hansen Hall Room B54

Course Objectives:
- Discovering the origin, psychology and childhood of Thomas Hewitt

- Qualifications to becoming a Travis County Sheriff

- Nutritional values from cannibalism

- Proper job firing etiquette

- Use of power tools in the mid 20th century

- How to make a Halloween mask using human flesh

- Properly restraining your hostages

- The anatomy of Jordanna Brewster’s belly and lower back (Pictured Below)

- And how NOT to escape a life and death situation

This course is required for TCM 1974, TCM 1986, TCM 1990, TCM 1994, and TCM 2003.

Once you've registered head on below!

Although it was somewhat of a carbon copy of the 2003 version, it was still an enjoyable movie to watch. Sheriff Hoyt obviously was the best character in the film. He had great one liners and truly depicted a demented soul. Bravo! While Leatherface gets all the credit, Sheriff Hoyt steals the show as the mastermind of the operation...and Diora Baird (Pictured Below) looks damn yummy!

I was a little disappointed because this was supposed to be the “beginning” of the franchise, and I felt that not much time was spent exploring their roots and how they got the way they were. Don't get me wrong, the film dipped into it a little bit, but the film felt like they “rushed” through it just to get to the kills/action sequences. I would have liked to have seen more back story. But that would mean the movie pace would suck for the studios.

Misc. Movie Trivia:
-Film opened October 6, 2006 and made $39.5 million at the box office ($18.5 million opening weekend)
-17 Scenes were edited to avoid the NC-17 rating
-1st movie to receive Iceland’s 18 rating
-Mostly filmed at the identical locations as the remake, and all in Texas

Review #67: Night of the Demons (1988)

Cast/Notable Credits:
Kevin Tenney (Director): Witchboard 1 (1986) & 2 (1993)

Amelia Kinkade (Angela): NOTD 2, NOTD 3 (1997)

Allison Barron (Helen): Nightmare on Elm St 2, Fear (1990)

Cathy Podewell (Judy): Dallas T.V. series

Jill Terashita (Frannie): Sleepaway Camp 3 (1988)

Linnea Quigley (Suzanne): Nightmare on Elm St 4, Graduation Day (1981), Silent Night, Deadly Night (1984), Return of the Living Dead (1985), Vice Academy 1 (1988) & 2 (1990), Pumpkinhead (1994), Monster Man (2001) (pictured right)

Trailer:


I've taken a break from my fantasy football studies (mainly mock drafting) to sit down and enjoy this 80's cult classic. To be honest, I've never seen it before, I've heard of it, but haven't seen it. Whispers of the film being remade inspired me to check it out.

By the way, the remake is stacked with sweet, sweet hotness:

- Monica Keena: Freddy vs. Jason (Pictured Below)

-Diora Baird: TCM: The Beginning

-Shannon Elizabeth: Jack Frost & 13 Ghosts

-Tiffany Shepis: Delta Delta Die! & Bloody Murder 2

-Bobbie Sue Luther: Killer Pad (Pictured below)

Oh my God...light the candles, turn on the sweet music and hose me down with baby oil, I can't wait for this one!

Now that I'm out of my fantasy comma, back to the movie. And let me say, "Holy Crap!" this movie represents the true cheesiness of the 80's genre. It falls into that category: It's so bad, it's good. Here are some staples in the 80's era that it truly represents:

-Nudity
-Super bad special effects
-Paper thin plot
-Horrible 80's wardrobe
-Horrible 80's music
-Crappy acting
-Late 20 year olds playing high school students
-Things that make you say, "WTF?"
-The "token" black guy, the cute "China doll" Asian girl, the "virgin" hot blonde
-Childish tongue in cheek jokes

And the list goes on and on.

It's Halloween night...how original...and our heroine, Judy, receives a phone call from her boyfriend, Jay. Jay cons here out of going to the school dance and head with him to a private party. But there's a twist. The party's going to be held at the old haunted Hull House. Ooooh. Not the Hull House! Is that NHL greats Bobby and Brett Hull's house?

Judy agrees and she changes in her Halloween costume as we await for Jay to pick her up. She finds her creepy little brother, Billy, hiding in her closet as she changes. He watched her strip out of her other clothes and into her new ones. Way to go little man!

Judy "acts" upset at him...you know how some of that bad acting goes..."Oh Billy, you're such a screw ball. He he. You wanna touch one?" Instead of beating the living sh*t out of her peeping tom brother, she lets him off the hook. Billy then goes on making tit jokes about his sister the rest of the time we see him while Judy takes it in stride. Gotta love the 80's!

After a few other character appearances...plot..., Jay finally arrives to pick Judy up for the Halloween party. Only he isn't wearing a costume, he's dressed like 80's preppie jock man. Judy (pictured right) gives him crap for it, and I'm kind of regretting watching the film at this point.

They head off to pick up their two friends (Max and Frannie) and head off to the party. On the way they pass a car broken down we three others, Roger, Helen and Stooge, who are also going to the party. Yes...Stooge. It's the 80's, that's all I can say.

Instead of giving them a helping hand...they give them a hand (round of applause). I told you it had childish jokes in it! Better yet, they take off and leave them to rot. What friends they turned out to be.

They continue to drive along a backwoods road and Jay points out the Hull House in the distance. The movie shot looks like a matte painting of a creepy house on the horizon. It looked pretty bad. Max gives a quick history about the house, which is ALSO a funeral home if you're keeping score. We gotta spice things up a bit, now don't we?

They pull up to the house and get out. They check out the land and there's a 10-15 foot brick wall that surrounds it. Max (I think...at this point I just didn't care) lays down at the base of the wall and mentions that there's water running underneath it. Frannie (I think...it's not as if they went over everyone's names by now) then tells us that demons can't cross over water. FORESHADOWING. The four go inside the house to wait for everyone else.

Eventually and unfortunately, everyone shows up and they "get the party started". Loud, bad 80's hairband music plays on a boom box, and my ears start to bleed. They go over the official story about the Hull House. Tell me if you haven't heard this before:

"Old man Hull slaughtered his family on Halloween night....yada yada yada...and now their spirits are trapped." YAWN!

Angela digs out a strobe light out of her bag and Suzanne declares, "Far F*ckin' Out." I bet you have heard "far out" in a while. I haven't until now. They all get bored...oh wait that's me...they all decide to play a game, Helen suggests, "The Past Life's Dance".

Should I actually explain it? Might as well. You're supposed to concentrate really hard and stare into the mirror until it turns black. Then someone's "past life" appears. And how is that a game?

Any way, they all sit down in front of a large vanity mirror which they just happen to find in the next room and all stare at the mirror. Hellen sees herself dead and freaks out and breaks the mirror. Of course no one else witnesses this. And then noises come from the basement. Somehow their game has accidentally released the haunted spirits of the house. And from there on out it's downhill.

They are all standing in the living room...or DEAD ROOM...complaining about a smell. The released spirit/demon finds it's way out of the basement and appears as a stinky green mist that jumps into Suzanne's mouth and possesses her. NO ONE sees this. Angela then tells us the difference between haunted and possessed. NOBODY CARES.

Plagued with boredom...sorry, just me again...they all split up to do their own thing. Roger is freaking out about the whole noise thing and he decides to get the hell out of dodge. Hellen decides to join him.

The possessed Suzanne (we shall call her...Suzanne Sommers) lays a kiss on Angela, I guess passing on the evil spirit to her body as well. But it didn't leave Suzanne Sommers body. I guess it's like a gremlin, multiplies with human saliva. Come to think of it...could that have been the first girl on girl kiss in a movie? Move over Sarah Michelle Gellar and Selma Blair, this one was smokin'!

Jay and Judy were upstairs making out, when Judy drops the I'm a virgin bomb on Jay. RIGHT. Did you see her picture? She's not a virgin. Jay gets pissed that she cock-blocked him and wouldn't do it with him and then locks her in the room (or maybe the evil spirits do...who knows...who cares?).

Meanwhile, Roger and Helen are trying to leave, but cannot find a way out. The brick wall keeps on going. And then Helen disappears. The plot thickens. Roger freaks out and hides in one of the cars.

After about 50 minutes in we get our first confirmed kill. I mean a kill we see on screen. No demon possess thing. Actually fake blood and guts. Over the next eight minutes we get five more dead and Max and Frannie ♫ "Doing it like they do on the discovery channel" ♫ in a coffin and two sets of boobies.

Yeah. That's what I'm talking about. Why couldn't they keep that pace up for the whole movie? And by the way, Frannie has a pretty nice rack on her. BHA! Going back to the little jiggle, ♫ "...discovery channel" ♫ that song is actually called, ♫ "The Bad Touch" ♫ by the Bloodhound Gang.

The next half hour we get Judy running around the house and property, bumping into demons and survivoring cast members off and on trying to escape. It was painful! There's one F*CKIN' stairwell and one F*CKIN' hallway upstairs! HOW CAN YOU KEEP ESCAPING and GETTING SEPARATED from each other!!??

* Warning: Stop reading the next few if you don't want the movie completely blown for you *

Eventually Judy and Roger end up in the barricaded in the basement (which is the crematorium). The demons are banging at the door and all Roger wants to do is pray. Just like MC Hammer, "♫ We just got to pray, just to make it today ♫".

Judy is...well stupid...she wonders what the big iron door on the wall is for. IT'S THE DAMN INCINERATOR! And then reaches in and pulls out ash and a human skull and proceeds to flip out. Judy then comes to the conclusion that it's Halloween night and demons don't go to hell, they are free to roam the Earth. Soooo..."Let's wait it out 'til morning." Roger agrees, but at this point, he is already a trembling pussy agreeing to anything that isn't dangerous. Grow a pair!

The demons must have got word on this because they start to take the bolts out of the door hinges to get in. Judy turns into MacGuyver and turns the gas pipe from the incinerator and turns it into a blow torch with a lighter. So when the demons knock down the door...the get fried! Yeah! Movie over.

Just kidding. It couldn't be that easy now. Relieved and safe Judy and Roger venture out of the basement only to discover...the demons didn't die! Are you shocked? I wasn't. Trapped inside the living room with demons bearing down on them, Roger the Puss decides to bust throught the window and escape the house leaving Judy to defend herself. It takes Judy a few minutes to realize, "Hey maybe going through the busted window isn't a bad idea."

Now that Judy and Roger the Puss are outside they head for the brickwall fence. Eventually Judy remembers the whole "evil can't cross water thing" and they decide to scale the wall to escape. Roger the Puss climbs the wall first, while the demons FINALLY catch up with them and pull Judy down as she climbs.

Roger the Puss successfully gets over and decides whether or not to help Judy while sitting in the fetal position on the grass. Roger the Puss grows a pair and goes back to help Judy. Both successfully get over the wall just as dawn appears and the evil spirits vanish into the morning sky. Sorry if I blew the ending for you. Most likely you would have figured it out anyway.

After watching the movie I was in complete shock. How do I even rate that one? It was soooo crappy that it was good. It was the ultimate bad 80's horror movie. The only thing missing was a "true" killer/slasher. I was a little...scratch that...extremely disappointed that it took almost an hour to see someone die. I don't count the stinky gas leak mist possession thing. Actual death. Despite my negativism, I thought it was a true cult classic.

And they're giving this baby a fresh look! I can't wait for the remake. I hope it holds true to the original ideas...probably not...I can totally see a different direction for this one. Just in case you've forgotten what Monica looks like:


Misc. Movie Trivia:
-Film opened September 9, 1988 in limited releas e (Detroit & New York) and made $3.1 million at the box office
-The film is loosely based on the California serial killer Charlene Gallego (Huh? I looked those murders up and couldn't find anything remotely close to what happened in the film)
-Three retards with a video camera, five hookers and a case of Keystone Light went into completing this film. Just kidding. Or am I?

Review #66: The Ruins (2008)

Cast/Notable Credits:
Carter Smith (Director)
Jonathan Tucker (Jeff): The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Hostage (2005), Pulse, Masters of Horror: Dance of the Dead (2006)

Jena Malone (Amy): Contact (1997), Donnie Darko (2001), Cold Mountain (2003)

Laura Ramsey (Stacy): Venom, The Covenant (2006) (Pictured Left)

Shawn Ashmore (Eric): X-men Triliogy (2000, 2003, 2006), The Quiet (2005)


Trailer:


Everyone needs a good killer plant flick. Just not this one. For the record, I wanted to embrace this film, but found myself feeling…well nothing at all. Don't get me wrong, it's not completely horrible, but I couldn’t get overly excited about the film. I tried. I wanted to. But no. I’ve seen more enjoyable killer plant movies that didn’t have near the production quality of this one.

Top 5 Killer Plant Movies:

5. The Day of the Triffids (1962):

I just don’t know what to say. World blindness…a common side effect from masturbation…not everyone in the world could have been doing this. Or could they? I bet Robot Chicken’s chronic masturbation smurf is rejoicing! Also there were bad looking monster plants and the cure: sea water? Huh? I’m just lost for words, but this movie is still a classic.

4. Attack of the Killer Tomatoes! (1978):

A cult classic. It was the truth about tomatoes before the salmonella scare. They knew back then. They knew!

3. Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1978):

What a coincidence, it came out in 78’ also. The ultimate Pod People movie. It starred the “younger” Donald Sutherland…still looking old. By the way, what’s with him and starring in “alien invasion” movies? Remember the Puppet Master (1994)?

On a side note: he starred in a 1975 film named “The Day of the Locust”, and his character’s name was…Homer Simpson. D’oh!

2. Little Shop of Horrors (1986):

“Feed Me, Seymour!”

Rick Moranis and Steve Martin. How could you go wrong? Unfortunately it’s a musical. Not too big on musicals.

1. Matango (1963)…or in the U.S.A. known as…Attack of the Mushroom People:
Just turn on the English subtitles along with the English audio when you watch. The two are TOTALLY not in sync with each other, and not necessary reading off of the same script. Example:

There was a scene where a few guys were trying to pull together and get the basics organized.

Audio: “We need to work together to get to survive.”
English subtitle: “Women, go get some water.”

Then the next scene shows the ONLY two women down by the ocean filling up buckets with water while several guys stand along the rail of a beached boat watching them work. I could see the “boys” talking amongst themselves.

Guy #1: “Yeah, I’d tap that ass.”
Guy #2: “Wow look at her bend over as she gets the water. I’d tap that too.”
Guy #3 with a grin on his face: “Yeah, I’m tapping that.”

If you haven’t seen any of those killer plant movies then go check them out. If you’ve seen them, then check them out again. While this one is not quite as good as those movies, it still had some good qualities.

The movie starts off with some unknown girl crying a weeping in the dark in some sort of cave. As she cries out for help, something grabs her and pulls her into the darkness. Then the beginning credits go up and we meet up with our soon to be dead couples…well we don’t know that yet, and neither do they. Two smokin’ hot chicks, Amy and Stacy, are wearing bikinis at poolside of some Cancun resort. Also lounging around with them are their two boyfriends, Jeff and Eric.

Amy is laying down sunbathing and then gets up out of the blue and starts worrying about a lost earring. Come on...really? How many chicks actually just go…”I lost an earring”? Everyone I’ve known the missing earring has been pointed out or they were taking them off and then just noticed it was missing. I haven’t met one just laying down and then popped up going, “where’s my earring?”

After they scrounge around for the missing earring, Stacy comments, “maybe it’s in the pool.” Then we see some other guy (Mathias) ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE POOL, pick up a snorkel mask and next thing we know, he’s handing an earring to Amy. “Is this your ring?” WTF!? You’re telling me that some guy hears a conversation across the pool about a lost earring as people are swimming the pool, yelling, splashing, etc. Right. What do I call that? A stalker. Correction: a stalker with good hearing.

Mathias goes on to introduce himself to the four and invites them go on a hike to a Mayan ruin in the morning and shows them a hand drawn map of the ruin left by his brother. His brother had left earlier with an archaeologist to see this ruin, and he was going to catch up with his brother tomorrow. Mathias also points out some Greek guys swimming were going on the hike also. One of the Greek guys invites them to a beach party that night.

Friendly place huh?

So the four of them go to the beach party that night and Amy gets “trashed” and makes a pass at Mathias shortly after her boyfriend Jeff left for the night. The Amy character has NOT won my affection by now. In fact, I was starting to get a little annoyed with her. My displeasure with Amy really took off the next morning. She has already come across being drunk, and annoying. Now she starts off on her whiny spoiled little bitch act as her boyfriend motivates her for the hike. “I don’t wanna go. You go. I’ll just stay here and sleep.” Boo hoo. That’s what you get for getting shit-faced, now get your ass out of bed. Only I’m saying under my breath, “Yeah, you should stay here, because I know you’re gonna die pretty soon.” But in reality, I wanted her to go…and get killed that is.

So Amy “whine”-house (Jena Malone...pictured above) and her friends take off with Mathias and one of the Greek dudes, Dimitri, to see the ruin. The other Greek dudes had better things to do. Like drink. The Mayan ruin is not an ordinary ruin. It’s a secret ancient ruin, not like most of the tourist ruins around and is some seventeen miles away and another two mile hike in the jungle off a “hidden” path. With all the topographic maps and satellite imaging now a days, I find this quite hard to believe, but let’s roll with it. The six get dropped off in some little rat-hole village and look for a taxi to take them the rest of the way.

First sign that you should probably listened to Amy "whine"-house and not go on this “nature hike”: the Mexican taxi driver looks at the map refuses to drop you off there and says, “It’s no good. Bad.”

Logically what do you do next? Bribe him with an American $20 bill of course. And then you’re off to see the ruin, the wonderful ruin of oz. A $20 bill! That’s how much the Mexican dude sells out for?

“No, no don’t go that way evils lurks, place is cursed, you’ll die. Oh wait...a $20 bill, then never mind, I’ll take you there.”

Remind me to follow the advice of a crazy, old Mexican taxi driver if I’m ever down that way exploring ancient Mayan ruins. Without any hesitation, they bribed the taxi driver and they’re off. They arrive at the location and find the archaeologist's’s deserted jeep and decide to journey off into the jungle. They come across two native children who refused to go near them and find the “hidden” trail to lead them to the ruin. After a short hike, the six arrive at the Mayan ruin, only to find no one else around, except until some crazy Mayans show up cursing at them in a foreign language. This probably is a second sign that they should have listened to Amy "whine"-house. But it’s probably too late by now. Or is it?

Amy “whine”-house is standing at the base of the ruin snapping off photographs with her camera as the Mayans yell at the six idiots. Dimitri goes over and takes the camera away as it seems to be irritating the Mayans. He attempts to walk over to the Mayans to give them the camera when…BANG! They shoot him. It’s about damn time we see some action. The remaining five run up the ruin as the Mayans do not attempt to follow, instead they create a perimeter around the ruin as more of them appear.

The remaining five reach the top of the ruin to find a deserted base camp left from the archaeologist and Mathias’s brother, and no one else in sight but the crazy Mayan people camping out down below. There are a couple of tents and a pull rope elevator that leads down a shaft presumably to the bottom of the inside of the ruin. Of course, no one can get cell phone reception to call for help. Didn't see that one coming.

But wait! They hear a cell phone ring coming from the bottom of the ruin. They must have the "network". Matias, Jeff and Eric want to go down the shaft to retrieve the cell phone. Two of them operate the "rope elevator" lowering one down the shaft. But danger is near! Stacy notices that the rope is about to snap as they scramble to hoist him up. Snap! The rope breaks and someone falls down the shaft into the darkness. He got the shaft! After a comedy of errors, two of the parties are injured laying in the dark at the bottom of the ruin. The three left at top side spend the rest of the afternoon working on getting the two injured back up to topside, which they successfully do, and of course making their situation worse doing it.

They end up staying the night sleeping in a tent on top of the ruin and awake the next morning to find a new development in their situation. Mysterious plant vines are growing out of the wounds of the two injured parties. The vines seem to match the ones that decorate the outside of the ruins. Could we be seeing hints to a plant monster? Hmmm.

Down below the crazy Mayan people are still camped out at the base of the ruin not attempting to go up but acting as watchdog preventing anyone from leaving. Probably the final sign that you should have listened to Amy “whine”-house and stayed in bed that morning. As days go one, the five realize that they are being quarantined by the Mayan people on the ruin, because they’re infected by some virus/alien life-form plant that inhabits the ruin. I guess the first concrete evidence of being quarantined is when "Whine"-house threw a vine at one of the Mayan kids and they shot him on site. Those crazy Mayans don't f*ck around.

Soon they see the Weed Monster slowly come to life (not like weed as in “cuz I got high, cuz I got high…”). The Weed Monster goes after the five as conditions worse and they debate whether to wait for help to come, get taken by the Weed Monster or make a run for it and hope the Crazy Mayan people shoot like Storm troopers as they attempt to get to the jeep. Man, what a pickle. Get eaten by the Weed Monster, or get shot by the crazy Mayans. If they stay and wait for help, who will prevail? My bets are on the Weed Monster. But then again, my bets are ALWAYS on the Weed Monster.

After seeing the Unrated Film version in it's entirety and watching the alternative ending and theatrical ending in the special features section of the DVD, I'm glad I didn't see it in the theater. I would have been pissed. It had the "Hollywood" ending to the film where as the Unrated DVD version said, "F*ck it, we'll do what we want." I probably would have never rented this movie if I saw it in the theater.

One of the disappointments in this movie for me was it's nudity. We get a side-boob. That’s it. A side-boob? Come on’. All or nothing baby. That’s a tease. Those things come in pairs! Pairs come in two's. Laura Ramsey (pictured below) gave us uno. It was a great uno, but multiply that times two.

The Ruins did satisfy some of my horror needs during a creepy sequence. It came when someone needed to get their legs chopped off to prevent further infection. At least that's what Dr. Jeff wanted. They were limited in tools, so they used a rock to break the bones and cut away the vine-infected legs with a hunting knife. Not really pleasant to think about. I think I would have chosen to go down to the firing line with the crazy Mayans.

I felt the film had to "manufacture" some of its suspense to make this story a little believable, hence the comedy of errors. I was also disappointed in the use of the Weed Monster. Should have used it more and earlier in the film, because in the end, it didn’t give me any satisfaction or fear. It was a waste of a Weed Monster in my opinion. Give us Weed or Give us Death. Unfortunately neither were plentiful.

Misc. Movie Trivia:
-Film opened on April 4, 2008 and made $17.4 million at the box office ($8 million opening weekend)
-Unrated version and Theatrical version had different endings

Review #65: John Carpenter's Vampires (1998)

Cast/Notable Credits:
John Carpenter (Director): Halloween

James Woods (Jack Crow): Cats Eye (1985), Scary Movie 2 (2001), Shark T.V. series

Daniel Baldwin (Anthony): Vegas Vampires (2003), Paparazzi (2004)

Sheryl Lee (Katrina): Twin Peaks T.V. series (pictured right)

Maximilian Schell (Cardinal Alba): The Black Hole (1979), Deep Impact (1998)

Tim Guinee (Father Adam): Blade (1998), Iron Man (2008)

Danielle Burgio (Female Vampire): House of the Dead 2 (2005), Summer of Sam (1999)

Mark Boone Junior(Catlin): 30 Days of Night

Trailer:
(Sorry couldn't find an embedded one to put on here):

Trailer Link:

To be honest, I'm not really a big fan of John Carpenter's projects after the year...1986. Sure I like the original Halloween and earlier 80's movies but have found little enthusiasm from his newer projects.

With all that said, I dug his take on vampires. I really enjoyed this movie. It had plenty of deaths...a horror movie must. In fact I stopped counting the number of them. I guess there were too many to count. Kind of like a zombie movie. Not that I'm complaining about it.

On to the movie...John Carpenter's Vampires is a movie about the Catholic church employing vampire bounty hunters...or slayers...(I'll go with bounty hunters because Buffy is the only vampire slayer) to hunt the pointy teeth beast into extinction. Yes, you heard me right, the Catholic church. Now you may ask yourself why would the "church" want vampires dead. I'll let you take a second to catch your breath.

Ready?

Are you sure?

...they accidentally created the "first" vampire during an exorcism gone wrong hundreds of years earlier, so they need to correct their mistake by ridding the world of their faults. To do this, they employ a secret society of vampire bounty hunters to hunt down and kill vampires and their masters. Of course to make things interesting they run across the "original" vampire master who is searching for a black cross (named the Berziers Cross) so he can cross the day/night barrier and rule the world.

Yep. The Catholic church invented the first vampire. Who knew? Certainly not me. I'm Catholic and I don't remember any stories of vampires during church. I remember them talking about a guy rising from the dead three days after being crucifixed on a cross. But I'm pretty sure that it was that Jesus guy. Not a vampire. I guess every vampire story needs some type of back story, this one just involves the church into it. So let's blame the Catholics for vampires. Why not? We blame them for everything else.

Any ways, James Woods and Daniel Baldwin leads a platoon of vampire hunters...oh my God, ANOTHER Baldwin. How many of them are there?

Hundreds? Thousands? Millions? Possibly....billions?

No, just four at least of the Baldwin brothers. Right. No, really there are four of them. Let me break it down for you:

1. Alec Baldwin: the man who only plays one character, Alec Baldwin. The dude from 30 Rock. And many, many, many other movies I'm not going to type. A.k.a.- the successful one.

2. Daniel Baldwin: The Vampire hunter. The one in this movie. The one responsible for this rant. The one in a lot of B-grade movies. A.k.a.- the "B-movie" Baldwin.

3. William Baldwin: "Hey, I'm a Baldwin brother, give me a job!" In the movies Sliver, Forgetting Sarah Marshall and Backdraft. A.k.a.- the Alec's younger, less talented older brother of less talented Stephen

4. Stephen Baldwin: Barney Rubble from the 2nd Flintstones movie. The jack-a** starring opposite of Pauly Shore in Bio-dome. Forgive me lord, I have sinned. I mentioned the movie Bio-dome. Also in The Usual Suspects. A.k.a.- the youngest, less talented brother.

5. Joseph Baldwin: The Cousin of the "Fab Four".

6. Adam Baldwin: NOT RELATED!!! He's got talent. Don't confuse him with the others! The cool mother f*cker from Firefly/Serenity, Chuck, and Angel T.V. series.

Back to the story...James Woods and B-movie Baldwin leads a platoon of vampire hunters tracking down and killing vampires across the states for the good of man kind. And to cover up the "church's mistake".

They stumble across a vampire nest during the day time and slaughter all of it's inhabitants and then go to a motel later that night, hire a bunch of hookers and get drunk celebrating their day's work. Hey, sounds like a job I need. Benefits are good. Where do I sign up?

Little do they know, a vampire master (powerful one who leads his gang of vampires) was sleeping in the ground a few yards from the now destroyed nest, has come to act out his revenge on the platoon while they get drunk and laid.

The vampire master, named Valek, starts off by turning a hot looking blonde hooker, Katrina, into a vampire. Katrina is played by the lovely Sheryl Lee. Twin Peak fans may remember her as the "dead girl" the series was based off of.

Valek gets his vampire-lovin' on with her and then turns Hooker Fest 98' into a blood bath, wiping out everyone but Woods and B-movie Baldwin. They narrowly escape with Katrina in tow. Woods, the expert vampire hunter he is, knows that Katrina has just been bitten, but has not completely turned into a vampire yet. Because of her recent change of lifestyles, she shares a telepathic link with Valek for the next five days. Woods wants to keep her, because she can see what Valek sees, and he wants to track Valek down for killing his mates, yada, yada, yada.

After the great escape, Woods meets with his Catholic Cardinal boss, and gets assigned a new padre to look over him. Woods also learns that Valek is the "original vampire" from the church's botched exorcism, and then proceeds to use Katrina to track him down through her "psychic link" the rest of the movie.

Valek is on his own mission as he has found the hidden location of the Berziers Cross, and wants to possess it so he can cross the day/night barrier and eventually rule the world with his day-walking vampires. While B-movie Baldwin falls in love with Katrina.

To start off, my expectations of this movie were not that high due to some of the recent past experiences with John Carpenter movies. But I did like this one. James Woods had a great role, and his cocky, smart ass dialogue won me over. B-movie Baldwin did alright as he had puppy dog eyes for Katrina all movie. I had them too.

John Carpenter wrote a cool funky horror-western theme music for the film. Just like he wrote his own music to Halloween. I dug the music. The film came through with some brief booby shots, but could have used some more hot chicks to fill the screen. But I give it props for having Hooker Fest 98' to celebrate a wiping of a vampire's nest.

Misc. Movie Trivia:
-Film opened on October 30, 1998 and made $20.2 million at the box office ($9.1 opening weekend)
-Dolph Lundgren was originally going to star in the film, but didn't. What!? No Dolph?