Horror Icon #3

Bumbler the Abominable Snow Man

Born: ???? North Pole, Artic Circle

Little does people know, that Bumbler is an evil killing machine. He is one of the greatest hidden villains in the world. Many are not aware of his evil plots for the destruction of Christmas and world domination. So I’m here to fill you in:

Bumbler’s hatered for Christmas all started when he was just a little yeti. It was Christmas eve and Bumbler was sitting at home putting lights on the Christmas tree with his mom, Snow Flake. Bumbler eagerly awaited for his father, Tumbler to come home from work. But hours past into the night and there was no Tumbler. Christmas came and went, and Tumbler never came home. A few days went by and the snow cave became cool. Bumbler went to the fireplace to start a fire and noticed a horrible smell coming from the chimney. Bumbler and his mom thought it was a dead animal like a penguin or reindeer, but it was far worse. The North Pole Yeti Fire Dept. came by and checked out the fireplace. Instead of finding a dead animal, they pulled out Tumbler’s dead body. Tumbler was dressed up like Santa Claus, with a red sack of presents. Tumbler must of fell and snapped his neck while coming down the chimney to surprise Tumbler and Snow Flake. Ever since then, Bumbler has hated Christmas. Bumbler blames Santa Claus for his father’s death and has sought revenge for the death of his father.

In 1964, Bumbler secretly stalked Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer and his little elf friend, as he tried to sabotage Christmas. Bumbler spent years creating a Super Fog Machine, to prevent Santa and his team of reindeer from taking off into the sky to distribute Christmas presents around the world. The fog was so intense, no reindeer could see past the fog to safely deliver presents. Except for one reindeer, Rudolph. Bumbler realized this and tried to “take out” Rudolph before he could return to Santa. His plans were foiled and then Bumbler searched for new ways to ruin Christmas for the world.

Two years later, in Bumbler’s next plot to destroy Christmas, he teamed up with the Grinch. The two, secretly swore to ruin Christmas by stealing all the presents from the residents of Whoville. Bumbler was the secret master mind of the operation convincing the Grinch to do all the leg work (foreseeing any law enforcement entanglement, Bumbler could wipe his hands clean of all wrongdoing). The plan was working magnificently until the Grinch betrayed Bumbler and returned the presents.

Bitter and betrayed, Bumbler disappeared into the snow, scheming for his return eight years later. Bumbler moves down to Canada and sneaks into a sorority house’s attic during Christmas break. Many of the sisters left for the holidays, but a few remained and became victim to Bumbler’s soon to be massacre. Bumbler’s sorority massacre did not get the media attention that he hoped for, so Bumbler went back into hiding.

A couple years went by, and Bumbler had gotten a way with his massacre, but his family fortune was running low. The death of his father had given the family enough money to pay off his snow cave, but his mother’s sickness from Hair-ballitis quickly devoured the family’s remaining fortune. Snow Flake was dying, and Bumbler went out to earn money for his sick mother. Working opportunities were scarce, but Bumbler had some leads. Bumbler put off his world plans of Christmas destruction and focused in onto saving his dying mother. In 1976, a film producer named George Lucas had an opening for a role that would fit Bumbler in his movie, Star Wars. It was a space saga, and a role for a tall, hairy like alien named a “wookie” was being casted for the movie. Bumbler tried out for the role of Chewbacca and seemed to be the front runner until a terrible lice problem had struck down on Bumbler. This new sickness put Bumbler on the sidelines for quite some time, and he was not able to do the role of the wookie.

“He could have been the best,” said Harrison Ford, actor for the role of Han Solo. “The chemistry between us…”sniffling…”I’m sorry…”wipes away a tear…”was just incredible.”

After the success of Star Wars, Lucas contacted Bumbler and told him about a small role for a “Holiday Special” that was being made. The story involved more wookies, and a part for Chewbacca’s father was up for grabs. But tragedy struck Bumbler again. Snow Flake had fallen victim to Hair-ballitis during Christmas. Bumbler was unable to do the filming of the Star Wars Holliday Special because he attended his mother’s funeral. Bumbler’s hatred for Christmas grew.

Desperate for work, Bumbler began doing odd-ball jobs around the city of Vancouver. Bumbler tried working in fast food, but was fired because little kids were scared of him. He then got a job at the local post office delivering mail, but after a “freak” dog-biting incident, Bumbler was hospitalized for a leg injury. Bumbler’s recovery was long and frustrating. Bumbler became addicted to pain killer pills and “overdosed” on Christmas Eve in 1978. The night janitor at the hospital came in to Tumbler’s room and saved life.

Bumbler was grateful for his “Christmas miracle” and set out on a new path of life.

Soon afterwards, Bumbler tried out for the position of mascot on the NBA’s Seattle Super Sonics team. But during a random drug test, he was dismissed from competition due to a failed drug test. Bumbler still had an addiction to the pain killer pills. Bumbler once again blamed the holiday season for his misfortunes.

George Lucas came calling back to offer Bumbler a role in the sequel to Star Wars. It was for a snow creature called the wampa. But Bumbler’s addiction to the pills landed him in a drug rehab center in Los Angeles and he lost the role for the snowy creature.

During his stay at the drug rehab center, Bumbler met a new friend, Cobra Commander. They both had similar visions of world domination and destruction. Their new found friendship only meant disaster for the unsuspecting world. With Bumbler’s hatred for Christmas, he and Cobra Commander devised a plan to plant their seed of domination. With the help of the Cobra Organization’s scientists, they created a perfect killing creature, the Mogwai. The Mogwai is a cute loveable fury creature that turns to an evil killing machine if fed after midnight. The Mogwai had it’s own reproduction capabilities if subjected to water. Cobra Commander and Bumbler decided to sell this creation to the Chinese government. They sold the Mogwai to Sun Lo Yang, Vice President of the Kenner Toy Corporation, in hopes of distributing the Mogwai world wide as Christmas toy. Unfortunately, Sun Lo Yang was fired for embezzlement and he took the Mogwai as he retreated to China Town selling off his personal items to support his family in a basement of a Chinese food restaurant.

Cobra Commander blamed Bumbler for their failed attempt at world domination, and the two parted ways. Broke and frustrated, Bumbler retreated back to the North Pole along with a couple of scientists who were fired from the Cobra Corp. Over the next ten years, they experimented with DNA and toxic waste on Yetti’s. They created the product Rogaine and sold it started to sell it world wide. Bumbler insisted that he be the “face” of the product, but the board of directors decided that it would not be a “good idea” to have a person completely covered from head to toe with hair represent the product. Their next choice was Robert Urich.

With the success of Rogaine, Bumbler received millions of dollars in profit and invested it into a new genetic testing program. Old and bitter, Bumbler resumed his quest to take down Christmas. In 1996, Bumbler created a plan to have his genetic waste material crash into a van transporting a convicted serial killer. Once mixed with snow and the genetic waste, the serial killer would transform into a killer snowman and ruin Christmas. His trial run in a small town in Colorado proved successful, but his killer snowman was defeated by Anti-freeze.

In 2001, Bumbler joined the al-Qaeda in an effort for world destruction. During the 9-11 terrorist plots, Bumbler was to hijack an airplane and crash it into the unsuspecting town of Juneau, Alaska. Unfortunately, his plan was foiled by a Canadian Mounted Policeman, at Toronto International Airport at the security gates.

“Ya’ see this big fella’ was trying to get on the plane with a razor ya see. ‘But I recognized that he was completely covered in hair, eh! So I put two and two together eh!, and ya’ know, figurd’ out that something was wrong. Eh!” explained the Mountee.

Sentenced to eight years in Canadian prison, Bumbler claims that he has “found” God and no longer obsesses with destroying Christmas. Bumbler’s release date: December 24, 2010.

Beware of the yeti!

Happy Christmas! Happy Hanukah! And Happy Kwanzaa! Or whatever you celebrate!

Tommy Gun