Thursday, February 14, 2008

Review #53: My Bloody Valentine (1981)


Cast/Notable Credits:
George Mihalka (Director)

Keith Knight (Hollis): Meatballs (1979)

Alf Humphreys (Howard): Rambo (1982), Final Destination 2 (2003), X-men 2 (2003), The Perfect Score (2004)

Helene Udy (Sylvia): Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman T.V. series

Carl Marotte (Dave): Skinwalkers

Trailer:


It's Valentine's Day! Canadian Style!




In the small town of Valentine’s Bluff, Nova Scotia (just in case you don't know where Nova Scotia is...I supplied a map), on Valentine’s Day in 1960, 5 miners go down into a coalmine for a hard day’s work. Oh yeah, I forgot my Canadian accent...Eh. Two supervisors remain topside and decide to take off work early (take off you hoser!) leavin' behind the five miners. Eh. The mineshaft collapses and all are presumed dead. Eh. Ah, man, no more hockey for them, eh? Oh jeez. Until they find a lone survivor, Harry Warden. Eh. Ya see, eh, Harry is pulled out of the debris, like a complete psychological mess, eh. One year later, eh, Harry kills them two supervisors and warns the town to never…ever…ever hold a Valentine’s Day party again. Eh. Sounds like a bad idea, eh. Harry is caught and placed in a mental hospital. Steam roller!

Flash forward…20 years later, eh…the killins' start again as the town approaches Valentine’s Day. Bummer eh! You see eh, thee killer leaves em' body parts in a like heart-shaped candy boxes for them local police along with a cheesy poem warnin' them not to hold the dance. Beauty Eh. O'corse them local youth, are 'tempting to restart the tradition of Valentine’s Day Dance, and they ignore all them warnings. Bad idea, eh. To hide the dance from the police, them kids decide to hold the party at the local coalmine. No way, eh? Violence, death and beer drinking' follows, eh. Moosehead & Schlitz beer r' major sponsors in the movie eh. Hey, back off, eh! That's my beer, eh.

Villain:
A psychotic, revenge seeking coal miner swingin' a pickaxe at his victims. Hell yeah!...mean beauty, eh! He supports a creepy coal miner mask set up with a light on the helmet. Not as good as a hockey mask, eh? Outside of disregardin' victims with his axe, he’s not afraid to use other methods of death.

Cast:

Attack of the bad Canadian actors! Six hot chicks equals six points. Them chicks were fine eh? The rest of the cast was nothing special. Nun of them American Oscars presented here...eh. How hard is it to drink beer, kiss girls and get picked off one by one? Eh.

SFX/Gore:

Dis film was like a typical early 80’s slasher film, eh. High body count (12)…a weapon of choice (axe)…a lot of blood…and cheesy special effects. Six of them deaths were attributed to the axe, eh. Half…not bad, eh. One of the death scenes I’ve remembered through the years was the old chick at the laundry mat. It’s always made an impression on me through out the years. * Spoiler *(Highlight to read): Granny’s body falls out of the dryer. That was cool. I don’t know why, but that’s always stuck with me over the years. Not in a “traumatized” way, but in a fun way. More dead bodies should come out of the dryer when available, eh.

TNA:

Only if they showed a pair of fun bags, eh! Them film makers were close…but no cigar, eh. The film starts off with a chick getting it down. Too bad she only gets down to the bra, eh? There were several times they could have shown nipple, but they chose not to. Show it you hosers! For instance, beginning sequence, Silvia/John make out scene, Mike/Harriet sex scene or any other random time would have been fine. As I mentioned before…six hot chicks (Shark Factor)...beauty! Let's take a time to recogniz' our favorite female Canadian singers for V-day, eh!

T.Gun's Take:

Three words: Canadian…Horror…Flick, eh. Enough said, eh. Who cares if the film takes place in Valentine’s Bluff…on Valentine’s Day? Coincidence eh? Or if it’s one of them over-used twenty year later revenge flicks. The important thing here is that Canadians need to unleash anger too. Eh. 'Specially if de film doesn't have any ding to do with hockey, eh.

I must admit, it was one of my childhood favorites. Eh. Yes, the movie isn’t all that great, but oh well this is my grade. It's a beauty piece of Old School Horror at its best! Come on', give props to the people to da north. Just think if it wasn't for them, we wouldn't have Bryan Adams. I'll let that thought soak in for a bit...eh.

Them movie displays the “Greatest Hero vs. Villain Fight Sequence Ever!” in Canadian history, eh! Okay maybe it doesn’t but how many movies besides Indiana Jones & the Temple of Doom, show a mining car fight/chase? (Exclude all Scooby Doo episodes) Not many...that's what I thought...eh.

Misc. Movie Trivia:
-Film debut on February 11, 1981 and made $5.67 million at the box office...Wayne Gretzky, Mark Messier, Jari Kurri were flyin' high back then, eh.
-Paramount declined to make a sequel in 2001; due to poor box office performance for the original, yet they prepare for a remake in 2009
-British Rock band adopted their name from the film


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