Review #40: Hatchet (2007)

Cast/Notable Credits:
Adam Green (Director)

Tamara Feldman (Mary Beth): Dirty Sexy Money T.V. series (Pictured right)

Joel Moore (Ben): Dodgeball (2004)

Deon Richmond (Marcus): Van Wilder (2002), Scream 3 (2000)

Kane Hodder (Victor Crowley)

Mercedes McNab (Misty): Adams Family 1 (1991) & 2 (1993), Buffy the Vampire Slayer & Angel T.V. series

Joleigh Fioreavant (Jenna): Just hot...(Pictured right)

Tony Todd (Rev. Zombie): Candyman & Final Destination series

Robert Englund (Sampson): A Nightmare on Elm St.

John Carl Buechler (Jack Cracker): Friday the 13^th Part 5 Director

Adam Weisman (Halloween skeleton): Halloween, The Toolbox Murders (2004)

Trailer:


While vacationing in New Orleans during Marti Gras, a couple friends decide to take a “haunted swamp tour” in the swamps at night. Unfortunately, the tour boat gets stuck in a swamp that lays home to the ghost of Victor Crowley.

Victor supposedly died years early when a couple mean teenagers who picked on the deformed boy set his house on fire. His father arrived home and tried to save Victor. He tried chopping down the front door of the burning house to free his trapped son.

What he did not know was that Victor was pressed up against the door as he chopped the door down with a hatchet. Victor’s dad accidentally chopped through the door and hit his son in the head with the hatchet. Victor’s dad died years later and Victor’s ghost now haunts the swamp they lived in. The group now faces death and revenge from Victor Crowley.

Here's a running diary of the movie (a tribute to Shark)!

Beware: It contains spoilers (highlight to read) and...pretty much the whole movie/plot. So if you don't want to know what happens...skip down a long ways!

Somewhere in 2005 – I hear news about a cool horror flick called “Hatchet”. It’s labeled as “old school 80’s horror”.

2006 – I hear raving reviews about the movie on the internet, but no release date yet.

Early 2007 – Hatchet to be released in April!

April 2007 – Moved back to September 7, 2007

September 2007 – Movie will be “limited” release. Fuck!

September 7 – No theatre in the state of Colorado will show it. Damn it!

Late September – Release on DVD December 18…Finally!

December 18, 2007 – Go to store to buy film…sold out. WTF! Go to second store…sold out. Son of a bitch! Go to third store…and I get the last copy! Wahoo!

Movie itself:

0:20 – Freddy’s (Robert Englund) on rowboat fishing for gators with his redneck son on a cold night in a swamp.

2:30 – Freddy is calling his son a queer as his son attempts to take a leak off the side of the boat. He comments that he’s a queer because his son has to squat to take a leak. Hey...maybe it’s a medical condition. It could be some psychological thing that disables him not to be able to piss as he stands up. It could happen.

3:33 – Freddy gives in and pulls the boat over to the shore shortly after an alligator almost bites his son’s pee-pee off. His son goes over by a tree to finish his business. Meanwhile, I’m starting to get the feeling that those two aren’t alone as we hearing movement in the bushes.

5:00 – Freddy’s dead! And his son shortly follows as he gets his arm ripped off and guts ripped out of the body. Right now, I’m a little...not little...VERY disappointed because of the over use of gore. A couple camera shots of blood just splattering up against trees really didn’t do it for me.

6:00 – Opening credits and a Marilyn Manson song plays as we watch an underwater camera sequence find it’s way through the swamp and to a sewer system and up into the streets of New Orleans. Kind of reminds me of the movie Alligator, with the whole gator in the sewer feel…I’m weird like that. As the camera pans up to Bourbon St. and college students partying on the streets of Marti Gras.

7:00 – We get our first flash of boobies from a chick upholding the Marti Gras tradition.

7:08 – We get four more chicks lifting their tops up for our viewing pleasure.

7:52 – Six more sets of boobies from girls on a balcony looking down at the partying.

8:27 – Opening credit music fades away and we get our first glimpse at the lead characters of the movie (Ben & Marcus) as they maneuver their way through the crowded streets. It’s the dude from Dodgeball (Joel Moore), you know the skinny dude that falls in love with the eastern European ugly chick. His group crosses the street to a more quiet area just off to the party’s side. And he starts bitching about being there.

8:57 – Another shot of a chick smoking a cigarette with her shirt up above her little gum drops.

9:05 – Worse quote of the movie…Ben cries, “Haven’t you seen enough boobs?” WHAT? What man would ever say that? Anyway, whiney ass goes on to convince his three friends to take a “haunted swamp tour” instead of hanging around drinking and seeing boobs. Apparently he’s broken up with his girlfriend just right before the trip and is now depressed. Did he break up with her because…HE DOESN’T LIKE BOOBS?

10:05 – Ben takes off to find a swamp tour while his other two friends pretty much says “Thanks, but no thanks.” And Marcus (token black guy – Deon Richmond) reluctantly goes along with Ben.

10:38 – Ben and Marcus are walking down the sidewalk and pull up to some Swamp Tour business and sees a “CLOSED” sign on the door. So what would a normal person do? Leave. But no, Ben decides to knock on the door anyway. And guess who answers? Tony Todd, the Candyman (for those who don’t know, there is a horror movie franchise called the Candyman. And he also appears in the Final Destination franchise.) So the Candyman goes on to tell a spooky story of why he doesn’t do swamp tours any more. It’s because of what happened that one night. Highlight to find reason why he doesn’t do tours: BECAUSE: ( someone slipped on the boat and sued him. Yep, sued him. No deaths, or anything like that, sued him.) Didn’t see that one coming. So the Candyman sends them down the road to another swamp tour business.

14:15 – Ben and Marcus head on down the street joking about some chick Marcus slept with who had crabs. Ben says, “That’s what you get for dating a chick whose always itching herself.” Foreshadowing. They turn the corner and the see a chick throwing up on the sidewalk. A little too much bourbon in her tummy.

14:25 – Ben and Marcus enters the swamp tour business. It looks like a little voodoo pawn shop.

14:45 – Mercedes McNab (Misty) and Joleigh Fioreavanti (Jenna) show off their tits to an amateur film director named Shapiro.

14:52 – Misty & Jenna lesbo kissing.

15 Minute Recap:
- Freddy’s dead. And son.
- 14 different sets of boobies
- 1 chick throwing up
- Candyman telling a wonderful story about…(getting sued). * Highlight *
- Dude from Dodgeball being a puss and hating boobs
- Lesbo kissing

What a start to a movie!

15:25 – Misty and Jenna bickering about each other and the film telling us how dumb Misty really is. She’s never heard of NYU.

16:14 – Some really bad, over-the-top acting Asian dude (Shawn, the tour guide) with a bad accent enters the room. He charges Ben and Marcus $40 bucks each to go on the swamp tour.

17:10 – The cast enters a short yellow school bus to leave for the tour. Here we meet the remainder of the victims cast. An older Canadian couple (The Permatteo’s), and a quite mysterious girl named Mary Beth (Tamara Feldman). Marcus grabs a seat next to Jenna and Ben sits next to Mary Beth and then begins his pathetic attempt at picking her up. He congratulates her on having two names for her first name, and complements her coat. When he asks her if she has pets, Marcus smacks him on the back of the head from across the aisle.

18:52 – Mary Beth finally shuts down Ben’s attempts and the bus leaves for the swamp. The background music plays some campy Dink, Dink song (like the from Spaceballs with the Jawa rip-offs).

19:52 – Marcus “works” his magic on Jenna as everyone starts to introduce themselves and get acquainted.

20:39 – Shawn, the tour guide, starts his piss poor history lesson of the city of New Orleans as they drive through the city out to the swamps. He gets corrected several times as it becomes obvious that he doesn’t know what he’s talking about.

22:28 – Bus arrives at the swamp during the night and Misty and Jenna show off the goods to the camera one more time as the Canadian couple watch in ah. Every one gets onto a crappy pontoon boat decorated with Christmas lights.

22:59 – There’s an old fart in a small fishing boat in the swamp yelling at them to warn them not to enter the swamp. No one hears this as Shawn attempts to start the boat. It’s funny because he even attempts to whistle, but has no teeth, so nothing comes out. Shawn calls him Jack Cracker, the local guy who drinks his own piss.

24:17 – Shawn finally gets the boat started as the drive off, and Jack says, “Y’all gonna die.” And then he drinks a jug of his own piss. By the way, the guy who plays Jack is John Carl Buechler, the fucker who directed Friday the 13th Part 5. Yes…the shitty one.

24:24 – The group strolls through the swamp waters as Shawn continues to give a dumb history lesson about the swamp as he reads cliff notes about the history off cue cards.

26:30 – Shawn finally gets to his version of the Victor Crowley story and goes on telling them that Victor yells out “Daddy” through out the night. His story corrected by Mary Beth shortly afterwards. He mutters out, “Daddy” under his breath. Oh…my…God that is just too cheesy.

28:19 – Shawn pulls the boat over close to the shoreline and turns off the boat’s lights so every body can see the “ghosts” rising from the swamp. White lights appear. Everyone on the boat tells Shawn that they are just marsh vapors from a chemical reaction between the water and swamp gas.

28:48 – Marcus peeks over at Jenna as she scratches her crotch. The crabs joke comes full circle! And now Marcus is turned off by her. Shawn flips the lights back on and we get a quick glimpse of Victor Crowley retreating into the woods.

29:44 – Misty and Jenna once again show the goods to the camera.

30:01 – Ben starts attempt number two on Mary Beth and it’s just as pathetic.

30:57 – Shawn gets the boat stuck on a fallen derelict tree branch from the shores. Marcus, Ben and Shawn attempt to push the boat off from the tree branch.

31:29 – It starts to thunder and rain.

31:43 – Misty attempts to call the cops on her cell phone so they can send the police. Can’t tell the difference between the two. But has no “signal bars”. How convenient. Why is she the only one with a cell phone in today’s day and age?

32:45 – Water starts to leak onto the sides and sink the boat.

33:56 – People panicking as Canadian dude attempts to walk across the tree branch to land. He slips on the branch and cracks his nuts on the “wood”. Pun! An alligator pops out of the water and bites his leg. Mary Beth pulls out a gun and shoots the gator.

34:14 – Boat starts to sink faster as everyone panics and they begin their daring escape across the tree branch above gator infested waters. Misty freaks out and sits on the branch blocking traffic as three people fall off the branch into the water. The water’s not deep as you can tell the actors are trying to make it more dramatic than it really is. It’s like two feet deep as they scramble around. Two people get to shore as Shapiro fucks around in the water as they show an approaching alligator coming toward him. He flops around in the water some more and attempts to swim in the two feet of water. WTF? Just stand up and run! Anyway Shapiro completes his amazing escape and gets to shore as the gator swims off. Everyone’s relieved and safe. Wait a second…can’t gators walk on land? Oh well.

37:18 – Everyone has their “come to Jesus” talk with each other and we learn that Shawn just moved out from Detroit and started working for the tour business last night. The gun toting Mary Beth reveals that her dad and brother went out fishing in this swamp a few nights ago. Freddy and son. And she’s out her to find them and is carrying the gun for protection because the Victor Crowley legend is real. And Misty still can’t get any cell phone reception. The group continues on land through the swamp to find a road.

39:18 – Mary Beth tells the Victor story.

43:35 – Story finish and people don’t believe her as she points to the Victor Crowley house that sits just up ahead of them.

45:00 – The group continues towards Victor’s house and Ben states, “Everything’s gonna be alright.”

46:19 – Everyone stops in their tracks as a mysterious howl of “Daddy” is cried out into the night twice. They freak out and start to head back. The Canadian couple pretty much say “fuck it” and move on towards the house.

47:30 – Victor comes running out of the house towards them. Victor looks like a deformed shirtless elephant man in overalls.

47:38 – Victor picks up a hatchet and starts to butcher (the Old Canadian dude) in the shoulder down to the ribs.

48:00 – Victor grabs (Old Canadian chick) and pulls a T-Rex kill from King Kong on her. He rips her jaw apart splitting her head and leaving the tongue wiggling around. Nice!

48:15 – Mary Beth shoots Victor with the gun and he falls as everyone else bails out into the woods.

49:18 – Mary Beth regroups with the others and we find Marcus hiding up in a tree. He can see the city on the horizon. Misty has lost her cell phone, and they notice (Shapiro) missing from the group.

51:55 – We catch up with (Shapiro) and find him wandering through the woods. He stops and hides in a bush. Victor finds him and twists his head off.

53:20 – Marcus and Shawn argue and fight with each other as the group finds Shapiro’s camera bag. Inside they find a flashlight and his wallet. They discover that Shapiro is actually Samuel Bennett the computer analysis and has a business card of Doug Shapiro movie producer. We learn that others have secrets too. Shawn accent is fake, Jenna didn’t go to NYU, she went to Hofstra instead, and Misty has fallen for the movie director stunt three times already.

56:15 – The group finds (Shapiro’s) dead body.

57:04 – Misty’s cell phone starts ringing off in the bushes. Paula Cole’s ♫ “I don’t wanna wait for our lives to be over” ♫ song plays as the ring tone. You know the Dawson’s Creek theme song. They track the phone down and they end up back at the house. And the phone won’t let Misty call out.

58:16 – Ben and Mary Beth decide to enter the house to find weapons. They discover a bunch of eaten dead animals and Mary Beth’s dead brother and dad (Freddy).

101:46 – Victor pops out of a bush and cuts (Jenna’s) face off with a electric sander. Come on’ power tools? And they all run off.

102:45 – (Shawn) returns to grab the flashlight and is caught by Victor. Victor swings a shovel and takes off a leg and then uses it to chop off the head.

103:01 – Victor picks up the nearly dead (Jenna) and lowers her onto the shovel pole that is planted in the ground.

104:28 – The survivors regroup and start talking as Victor shows up again. Ben stabs Victor in the back with a pitchfork and everyone flees again. They group forms up again and they decide to fight back and they devise a plan. Get this…they’re gonna try to “burn” him by using old gas cans that Ben saw in the house.

106:24 – They return for the house…again.

108:18 – (Misty’s) head comes flying at Ben who is gathering up old gas cans inside of the house followed by (her body trunk – arms, and legs ripped off). Victor pops onto screen and starts attacking Ben. The others show up to help him fight Victor off.

108:54 – Ben successfully lights Victor on fire and Victor falls to the ground in flames.

109:19 – It starts to rain again. Wait a second when did it stop? Any way…the rain starts to put out the flames on the burning Victor. Ben and the others flee into the woods again, but this time past the house.

110:19 – Not raining anymore…and the find a cemetery and start looking for the entrance.

111:07 – Victor finds them in the cemetery and chases them around. They all converge on the locked gate and fall to the ground in a dog pile. Victor lies on top of Ben and drools saliva into Ben’s mouth. All three fight off Victor and flee back into the cemetery.

112:24 – Victor catches (Marcus) and rips his arms off to kill him.

113:18 – Ben throws up.

114:01 – Ben and Mary Beth return to the swamp as a steel pole comes flying out of the sky like a javelin and lands on Ben’s foot trapping him to the ground. Victor comes running out of the woods towards them. The two angles the pole towards the running Victor and he runs into the pole stabbing himself in the chest dying. As he dies, he spits blood into Ben’s face.

115:28 – They find Freddy’s boat and hop in and row off into the night.

117:16 – Mary Beth starts bandaging Ben’s foot and they start sobbing and weeping. Ben says, “We’re alive, we made it.” If you watched the film, I’m sure you’ve noticed every time Ben says something comforting, the opposite is about to happen.

117:19 – Something pulls Mary Beth into the water and she gets caught in the underwater trees.
118:02 – Under water shots of Mary Beth struggling in the weeds looking up towards the surface. We see Ben’s hand come through the water and reach out for her. Kind of like Frodo and Sam in the end of the Fellowship of the Ring. But not as gay.

118:18 – Mary Beth grabs Ben’s hand and gets pulled out of the water, only to find it’s Victor holding Ben’s ripped off arm with Ben lying in the boat bleeding to death.

118:30 – Mary Beth screams in Victor’s face as he holds her out of the water face to face with her.

End movie.

Villain:

Kane runs around swamp as a deformed guy slaughtering teens/twenty somethings...sounds familiar? He uses a hatchet to kill some, and pure strength on others.

Cast:

It was an okay cast. My favorites were Deon and Mercedes. Deon played a great scared black dude and Mercedes continues her success at a dumb hot blonde. I still can't picture Joel Moore in any type of lead role, didn't really enlighten me with this performance.

SFX/Gore:

I have to admit I was a little disappointed in this department. The body count was good at eleven, but the over use of blood/gore kind of turned me off. The kills were sweet, but I thought the continuing spraying of blood was a little excessive.

TNA:

Well the film did deliver a homerun ball here. A dozen plus two sets of breasts. Not bad. See what happens when you mixed Marti Gras with a horror movie. Great idea! I know the majority of them went by quick, but at least Mercedes and Joleigh continued to hold strong. No sex though, we do get a couple of lesbian kissing scenes. The beautiful, and ditsy Mercedes McNab...(side boob)

T.Gun's Take:

I liked the idea of a swamp killer. However, I didn't like the fact that the victims were just running around in a circle coming back to the same house for slaughtering. There was a good amount of humor and a diverse soundtrack attached through out the movie. The film did manage to unite three horror icons on the same screen. Way to go!

I wanted to love this movie much, much more, but couldn't.

Misc. Movie Trivia:
- Film opened on September 7, 2007 in limited release
- Was the last production to shoot in Louisiana before Hurrican Katrina hit
- Film trailer was made and promoted on the internet to create hype for the film before any actual film shots were made

Remake or Not to Remake?

Normally, I’m not a big fan of remakes. They are a cheap way of making a quick buck and they often insult the audiences and fans of the originals. I’ve thought about the recent remake phase and thought of some reasons why we actually need them…at least as long as they are done right and tastefully and some reasons we don’t need them.

Reasons for:

1. Special effects, baby. You can have much, much cooler deaths. Some films were limited in this area by budget alone. Cheesy deaths were invented to compensate for this area. It’s not the director’s fault. Some times no matter how much they shot the scene, something didn’t come out right. So they had to settle on what they had to work with. I’m not saying that you need to have awesome deaths that have to top the previous, but just be practical in your filming your deaths. You can still have cool deaths without using unnecessary over the top gore. Gore does not necessarily have to be present. Some of the scarier deaths are the ones not seen, but imagined instead or heard. Also, getting the color, feel, and look of blood in the film can be redone in some films. It seems like you could watch two or three horror movies in a row from back then, and have a different look to the blood used. Bright red blood, dark red blood, clumpy blood, thin blood. Obviously, this is an area that can be improved.
2. Villains need to be villains! Villains are now heroes. I’ve been to the theatres to see the latest Jason, Freddy, Michael Myers, and Chucky movies, and I’ve noticed that horror movies aren’t really horror movies any more. The fans cheer for the bad guys to kill. When the franchises were first starting out each one of them was pretty good and scary in their own way. As each one made more sequels they began to parody themselves. Each movie began to lose its horror movie feel because they just pile up bodies, make funny quotes or come up with outrageous plot lines just for the sake of making another (insert icon) movie. I’ve fallen victim to this, but I still remember the times when these bad guys were actuallyscary and evil opposed to being the “hero” of the film. The new current generation of horror fans didn’t get to see the films as they started in their pure form. They’ve had the luxury of seeing all nine or ten of them in a row while pounding down a few brewskies with their buddies. The modern world has “mocked” them in parody films only contributing to the diluted view of what they originally stood for. Now a days (insert icon) is the hero of the film and we cheer for him to kill the victims, we don’t root for the cast members any more. Hence, we’re not scared at these icons any more. We might as well insert them into X-men roles.
3. Hotter Women! As I’ve gone back and started graded these films, I think Oh God, these women aren’t attractive. Man look at the hair! Look at the outfit! Now we can use today’s standard of hot women (thin, scantly clad outfits that will never die with time) and insert them into the film and the film goes up a couple notches in greatness. Although it is tougher to find actresses to show the “goods”.
4. Production. Some older films I watch, I can’t tell what’s going on at times because the lighting or film quality sucks. Sometimes it works in their favor, because it builds suspense and lets the imagination do the work, but other times, it’s just damn annoying.
5. Original idea was good, but the film sucked. Yes, we’ve all seen that movie where the idea was good, but the product just sucked. It’s not a bad idea to revamp it.
6. Introduces the character/idea to a new generation. If it’s done right it could be a powerful tool.

Reasons Why We Shouldn’t Remake:

1. Cheap way of making money. Throw in a legendary icon or movie and it will make money…at least the first week. If you build it, they will come. Yes I’ve fallen into this category, but have also fought it. Typically the scripts suck, characters are paper thin, use of gore is way too over the top, less nudity, and get slapped with that damn PG-13 rating! Why bother?
2. Some things are better off the way the are. That’s what makes them great. This is probably where I’m going feel after the upcoming Friday the 13^th re-imagining/remake comes out. The original is awesome because the killer isn’t Jason, but his mother. Now they want to insert Jason into the role. With the hockey mask. WHY!? I’m just as happy with another installment. You don’t have to redo the whole franchise just to get the popular character in it. Mommy does the dirty work in the first. And the mask didn’t come around until the 3^rd movie. I know it was a genius move, but not having the mask in it doesn’t subtract anything from the previous two. Friday has the most plot holes and continuity errors out of all the franchises. Sure I would love to see everything redone in some type of order that fits, but not at the expense of shifting Jason straight to the beginning.
3. Bad remakes will lower the franchise’s value. Let’s say they do fuck up the new Friday and pisses off the fans. It will just diminish the other films. Like the Matrix series. After watching the third installment, it seemed to mysteriously “dragged” the other two down with it. Same thing with Saw. The first one is great, but the others were crap and “lessen” the first because of their crappiness. A bad remake could do the same thing. Just the cynical attitude alone that people have when they first hear of the remake already puts the film behind the eight ball. Now add in a bad film, and the franchise suffers.
4. Over gore usage. It’s hard for most directions not to use technology to it’s fullest. But with paper-thin writing that gets attached to the script, filmmakers try to compensate with higher unnecessary body count and over the top gore.
5. World’s technology has changed. It’s tough to do a killer-in-the-woods-damsel-in-distress movie when everyone and their brother has a cell phone. Cheap way out: no cell reception. Fuck that. Also, when is the last time you had problems starting your car? That trick just doesn’t work the same any more. Back then it was easy for a car to be flooded, or broke and not start. I don’t buy it in today’s world.
6. It’s a small world after all. There aren’t too many places in the world, where a town or road isn’t too far away. Those plots of “out in the middle of nowhere with no help” is pretty hard to believe. It seems every where there’s a housing development going up or a new shopping mall being built or both, and the world is getting smaller and compact. Trying to find remote locations is more difficult. Even road trip movies push the limits. If someone set their mind to it, they could get cross-country by car in two or three days, and that’s coast to coast. Some movies “milk” the fact that they go two or three states in two or three days and have their car break down on some isolated highway. Don’t buy it. Traffic sucks any more. I would be glad to find an “isolated” highway. But it just doesn’t exist.

Here are some comparisons

Original Vs. Remake Films:

Halloween (1978) vs. (2007)

Favorite to watch: Remake (eye candy)

Better Movie: Original

The Hills Have Eyes (1977) vs. (2006)

Favorite to watch: Remake (original sucked in my opinion)

Better Movie: Remake

When A Stranger Calls (1979) vs. (2006)

Favorite to watch: Neither (not a fan of either)

Better Movie: Original (example of why not to remake)

Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974) vs. (2003)

Favorite to watch: Remake(eye candy/ wheel chair boy annoying)

Better Movie: Original

The Fog (1980) vs. (2005)

Favorite to Watch: Original (new one sucked)
Better Movie: Original

The Thing (1951) vs. (1982)

Favorite to watch: Remake

Better Movie: Remake

Dawn of the Dead (1978) vs. (2004)

Favorite to watch: Remake
Better movie: Both

Both films are kick ass. Hard to compare.






House on Haunted Hill (1959) vs. (1999)
Favorite to watch: Original
Better movie: Original







There are reasons for and against remakes. If they're done right, then go for it. If you're trying to make a quick buck then leave alone.

Horror Icon #4

The Alien.
Born: ????, first appearance in 1979.
Where: ????







Horror Movies:
Alien (1979)
Aliens (1986)
Alien 3 (1992)
Alien: Resurrection (1997)
Alien vs. Predator (2004)
Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem (2007)

The "Alien" is one of my favorite movie monsters of all time. The Alien is a pure killing machine. To quote the words from the Terminator movies..."It can't be reasoned. It can't be bought. It's a killing machine."

The movie "Alien" first appeared in 1979, and was considered "the most influential of modern action pictures". Many films have ripped off of Alien in many ways. It was both considered a Science Fiction film and a Horror movie at the same time. The sequel, "Aliens", is one of my favorite movies of all time. It plots futuristic marines with bad ass guns against hundreds of the alien monsters. I was disappointed...along with others...with the third installment of the Alien franchise. The third movie takes place on a deserted planet in which a prison colony has been nearly vacant for years. The remaining criminals, a small staff and Sigourney Weaver's character fight off the Alien (with no weapons) as they await rescue. The Alien uses a dog as it's host and then displays characteristics similar.

It starts off as an alien egg. Inside the egg lives a spider-like monster called the "facehugger" (pictured left) that attaches itself to the mouth of it's victim. While attached, it plants an embryo down into the throat of the host. After a while, a miniature alien bursts out of the host's chest. The Alien continues to grow and sheds skin (like a snake) until it's full blown.

Characteristics of the Alien:
- Born from an egg (Queen Alien lays)
- Facehugger plants an embryo into a host's throat
- The adult alien appears predominantly black in color, similar in cast to heavily tarnished silver
- It has an elongated shiny head with no eyes
- The jaw holds the razor-sharp metal teeth
- The mouth houses a tongue-like body part with a second mouth on the end
- The alien has an anthropomorphic form, with two legs and two arms, its hands each armed with six long, black, razor-sharp claws
- Acid for blood
- Takes shape/characteristic of the host it's born out of
- Saliva is some type of sticky goo slime
- They use the goo to immobilize their victims while other eggs are made so that facehuggers can plant more embryos
- And they can swim!

Horror Icon #3

Bumbler the Abominable Snow Man

Born: ???? North Pole, Artic Circle

Little does people know, that Bumbler is an evil killing machine. He is one of the greatest hidden villains in the world. Many are not aware of his evil plots for the destruction of Christmas and world domination. So I’m here to fill you in:

Bumbler’s hatered for Christmas all started when he was just a little yeti. It was Christmas eve and Bumbler was sitting at home putting lights on the Christmas tree with his mom, Snow Flake. Bumbler eagerly awaited for his father, Tumbler to come home from work. But hours past into the night and there was no Tumbler. Christmas came and went, and Tumbler never came home. A few days went by and the snow cave became cool. Bumbler went to the fireplace to start a fire and noticed a horrible smell coming from the chimney. Bumbler and his mom thought it was a dead animal like a penguin or reindeer, but it was far worse. The North Pole Yeti Fire Dept. came by and checked out the fireplace. Instead of finding a dead animal, they pulled out Tumbler’s dead body. Tumbler was dressed up like Santa Claus, with a red sack of presents. Tumbler must of fell and snapped his neck while coming down the chimney to surprise Tumbler and Snow Flake. Ever since then, Bumbler has hated Christmas. Bumbler blames Santa Claus for his father’s death and has sought revenge for the death of his father.

In 1964, Bumbler secretly stalked Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer and his little elf friend, as he tried to sabotage Christmas. Bumbler spent years creating a Super Fog Machine, to prevent Santa and his team of reindeer from taking off into the sky to distribute Christmas presents around the world. The fog was so intense, no reindeer could see past the fog to safely deliver presents. Except for one reindeer, Rudolph. Bumbler realized this and tried to “take out” Rudolph before he could return to Santa. His plans were foiled and then Bumbler searched for new ways to ruin Christmas for the world.

Two years later, in Bumbler’s next plot to destroy Christmas, he teamed up with the Grinch. The two, secretly swore to ruin Christmas by stealing all the presents from the residents of Whoville. Bumbler was the secret master mind of the operation convincing the Grinch to do all the leg work (foreseeing any law enforcement entanglement, Bumbler could wipe his hands clean of all wrongdoing). The plan was working magnificently until the Grinch betrayed Bumbler and returned the presents.

Bitter and betrayed, Bumbler disappeared into the snow, scheming for his return eight years later. Bumbler moves down to Canada and sneaks into a sorority house’s attic during Christmas break. Many of the sisters left for the holidays, but a few remained and became victim to Bumbler’s soon to be massacre. Bumbler’s sorority massacre did not get the media attention that he hoped for, so Bumbler went back into hiding.

A couple years went by, and Bumbler had gotten a way with his massacre, but his family fortune was running low. The death of his father had given the family enough money to pay off his snow cave, but his mother’s sickness from Hair-ballitis quickly devoured the family’s remaining fortune. Snow Flake was dying, and Bumbler went out to earn money for his sick mother. Working opportunities were scarce, but Bumbler had some leads. Bumbler put off his world plans of Christmas destruction and focused in onto saving his dying mother. In 1976, a film producer named George Lucas had an opening for a role that would fit Bumbler in his movie, Star Wars. It was a space saga, and a role for a tall, hairy like alien named a “wookie” was being casted for the movie. Bumbler tried out for the role of Chewbacca and seemed to be the front runner until a terrible lice problem had struck down on Bumbler. This new sickness put Bumbler on the sidelines for quite some time, and he was not able to do the role of the wookie.

“He could have been the best,” said Harrison Ford, actor for the role of Han Solo. “The chemistry between us…”sniffling…”I’m sorry…”wipes away a tear…”was just incredible.”

After the success of Star Wars, Lucas contacted Bumbler and told him about a small role for a “Holiday Special” that was being made. The story involved more wookies, and a part for Chewbacca’s father was up for grabs. But tragedy struck Bumbler again. Snow Flake had fallen victim to Hair-ballitis during Christmas. Bumbler was unable to do the filming of the Star Wars Holliday Special because he attended his mother’s funeral. Bumbler’s hatred for Christmas grew.

Desperate for work, Bumbler began doing odd-ball jobs around the city of Vancouver. Bumbler tried working in fast food, but was fired because little kids were scared of him. He then got a job at the local post office delivering mail, but after a “freak” dog-biting incident, Bumbler was hospitalized for a leg injury. Bumbler’s recovery was long and frustrating. Bumbler became addicted to pain killer pills and “overdosed” on Christmas Eve in 1978. The night janitor at the hospital came in to Tumbler’s room and saved life.

Bumbler was grateful for his “Christmas miracle” and set out on a new path of life.

Soon afterwards, Bumbler tried out for the position of mascot on the NBA’s Seattle Super Sonics team. But during a random drug test, he was dismissed from competition due to a failed drug test. Bumbler still had an addiction to the pain killer pills. Bumbler once again blamed the holiday season for his misfortunes.

George Lucas came calling back to offer Bumbler a role in the sequel to Star Wars. It was for a snow creature called the wampa. But Bumbler’s addiction to the pills landed him in a drug rehab center in Los Angeles and he lost the role for the snowy creature.

During his stay at the drug rehab center, Bumbler met a new friend, Cobra Commander. They both had similar visions of world domination and destruction. Their new found friendship only meant disaster for the unsuspecting world. With Bumbler’s hatred for Christmas, he and Cobra Commander devised a plan to plant their seed of domination. With the help of the Cobra Organization’s scientists, they created a perfect killing creature, the Mogwai. The Mogwai is a cute loveable fury creature that turns to an evil killing machine if fed after midnight. The Mogwai had it’s own reproduction capabilities if subjected to water. Cobra Commander and Bumbler decided to sell this creation to the Chinese government. They sold the Mogwai to Sun Lo Yang, Vice President of the Kenner Toy Corporation, in hopes of distributing the Mogwai world wide as Christmas toy. Unfortunately, Sun Lo Yang was fired for embezzlement and he took the Mogwai as he retreated to China Town selling off his personal items to support his family in a basement of a Chinese food restaurant.

Cobra Commander blamed Bumbler for their failed attempt at world domination, and the two parted ways. Broke and frustrated, Bumbler retreated back to the North Pole along with a couple of scientists who were fired from the Cobra Corp. Over the next ten years, they experimented with DNA and toxic waste on Yetti’s. They created the product Rogaine and sold it started to sell it world wide. Bumbler insisted that he be the “face” of the product, but the board of directors decided that it would not be a “good idea” to have a person completely covered from head to toe with hair represent the product. Their next choice was Robert Urich.

With the success of Rogaine, Bumbler received millions of dollars in profit and invested it into a new genetic testing program. Old and bitter, Bumbler resumed his quest to take down Christmas. In 1996, Bumbler created a plan to have his genetic waste material crash into a van transporting a convicted serial killer. Once mixed with snow and the genetic waste, the serial killer would transform into a killer snowman and ruin Christmas. His trial run in a small town in Colorado proved successful, but his killer snowman was defeated by Anti-freeze.

In 2001, Bumbler joined the al-Qaeda in an effort for world destruction. During the 9-11 terrorist plots, Bumbler was to hijack an airplane and crash it into the unsuspecting town of Juneau, Alaska. Unfortunately, his plan was foiled by a Canadian Mounted Policeman, at Toronto International Airport at the security gates.

“Ya’ see this big fella’ was trying to get on the plane with a razor ya see. ‘But I recognized that he was completely covered in hair, eh! So I put two and two together eh!, and ya’ know, figurd’ out that something was wrong. Eh!” explained the Mountee.

Sentenced to eight years in Canadian prison, Bumbler claims that he has “found” God and no longer obsesses with destroying Christmas. Bumbler’s release date: December 24, 2010.

Beware of the yeti!

Happy Christmas! Happy Hanukah! And Happy Kwanzaa! Or whatever you celebrate!

Tommy Gun

Review #34: Gremlins (1984)

Cast/Notable Credits:
Steven Spielberg (Exec. Producer): Many, many films

Joe Dante (Director): Piranha (1978), The Howling, Twilight Zone the Movie (1983), Gremlins 2 (1990), Explorers (1985), Innerspace (1987), Small Soldiers (1998), Masters of Horror T.V. series

Chris Columbus (Writer): Directed: Adventures in Babysitting (1987), Mrs. Doubtfire (1993), Home Alone 1 (1990) & 2 (1992), Harry Potter 1 (2001) & 2 (2002), Rent (2005)

Zack Galligan (Billy): Gremlins 2, Waxwork 1 & Waxwork 2

Phoebe Cates (Kate): Gremlins 2, Fast Times at Ridgemont High (1982), Private School (1983), Drop Dead Fred (1991)

Howie Mendel (voice of Gizmo): Deal or No Deal T.V. show

Frank Welker (voice of Stripe): T.V. Cartoon voices (Megatron – Transformers, & Misc. G.I. Joe voices)

Judge Reinhold (Gerald): Beverly Hills Cop 1 (1984), 2 (1987) & 3 (1994), Ruthless People (1986), Vice Versa (1988), Fast Times at Ridgemont High, The Santa Claus 1 (1994), 2 (2002), & 3 (2006)

Corey Feldman (Pete): Goonies (1985), Stand By Me (1986), Lost Boys (1987), Tales from the Crypt: Bordello of Blood (1996), Friday the 13th Part 4, Friday the 13th Part 5

Dick Miller (Murray): Corvette Summer (78’), Piranha, The Howling, V: the Final Battle (84’), Terminator (84’), Explorers, Chopping Mall (86’), Amazing Stories (86’), Innerspace, Gremlins 2, Tales from the Crypt: Demon Knight (95’), Small Soldiers

Arnie Moore (Alex): Friday the 13th Part 4

Polly Holliday (Mrs. Deagle): Alice T.V. show, Mrs. Doubtfire

Don Steele (Rockin’ Ricky Rialto): KISS Meets the Phantom of the Park (1978)

Trailer:


Remember those furry little cute white and brown mogwai? Way before the “Furbie”, there was the mogwai. Oh yeah…there were three important rules to the mogwai:

1. Keep them away from light, especially sun light, it can kill them


2. Never get them wet


3. And most important of all, never ever feed them after midnight

But where did the mogwai come from?Gremlins.Best Christmas Horror Movie ever! I mean EVER! I know Steven Spielberg says that Gremlins is not a horror movie…but BULL SH*T! It is. It will be. And it always has been. If his name weren’t attached to the movie, it would have been rated “R”, not “PG-13”.

Anyway, one of my good friends, The Shark (famed inventor of the Shark Factor) and I decided to do a duel review of the film. The Shark isn’t a big fan of horror movies, but doesn’t cry in agony as Bookie does when subjected to them. Under his own free will, he went along with Bookie and I to see Jason X and Freddy vs. Jason on opening night at the movie theatre.

If there is a genre of horror movies he digs, then it has to be Zombie films. The Shark decided to do his review in a “diary form” of the movie, along with film times included as markers. Click Below for his review. Mine follows (a little bit longer review than normal). I can't be too harsh reviewing this movie because it's one of my childhood favorites.

The Shark's Review

In case you’ve been underneath a rock for the past twenty-some-odd years and don’t know what this movie is about, I give you a quick run down.

A failing inventor (Randall Peltzer) shopping in China Town is looking for a Christmas present for his son, Billy. An old Chinese man (BHA!) runs a flea market/junk shop located in a basement of a building. The old fart’s grandson lures Randall down into the shop in hopes of a sale.

While shopping Randall, comes across a mysterious creature (mogwai) singing and humming inside the shop and attempts to purchase the mogwai. The old fart refuses to sell the mogwai to Randall even at a steep price. The grandson secretly sells the mogwai to Randall outside of the shop for $200. The grandson tells Randal 3 important rules for maintaining a mogwai, yet he never asks the consequences of the rules.

Mr. Peltzer returns home to his family in the lovely little town of Kingston Falls and gives Billy the mogwai as a present. They call the mogwai Gizmo. A short while later, Billy is showing Gizmo off to his friend, Pete (Corey Feldman), and Pete accidentally spills a glass of water onto Gizmo. Gizmo curls up in pain and five little white furry balls pop out of Gizmo’s fur and BOOM! Five more mogwai appear. RULE # 2 is violated!

These five are not as quiet and gentle as Gizmo, and their leader appears with a white stripe of fur on his head (Stripe). The Mogwai-5 start to wreck havoc and torment Gizmo and the family’s dog. Billy takes one of them to his high school science teacher and demonstrates what happens to a mogwai when you get it wet...you know if I had some creature that no one's ever heard or seen before and multiplies when wet, I take it to my high school science teacher. He hated me. I could envision him when I brought the thing to him...

MR. W: That's nice Tom (sigh), but can you put that thing away. I'm not in the mood for any more of your jokes.

Me: It's not a joke! I'm telling the truth!

MR.W (speaking to himself): Just like when you said, "I didn't put that note 'Kick Me!' on your back." Why do I always get him in my class? This is two years in a row now! What did I do wrong God? What did I do wrong? Why can't the other science teachers get him?

Me: Come on Mr. W., it multiples when wet! See. (pour water on to the mogwai and watch it multiply)

MR.W (speaking to himself): Oh great, now he's creating a mess. It's popping out little cotton balls all over the place. Be calm. He's making a mess. Be calm. Just remember...only four more years until retirement, only four more years until retirement.

Me: See! (pour more water on it...so it could multiply more)

Back to the plot...the teacher keeps that one for examination. Later on that night the Mogwai-5 chew on Billy’s alarm clock’s cord, stopping the time on the face of the clock at 11:35. They trick Billy into feeding them food. Meanwhile at the school science lab, the guinea pig mogwai swipes the science teacher’s sandwich when he leaves at 2:30 am.

RULE #3 is violated! And by the way, what midnight do we go by? Greenwich, England midnight or Pacific Time Zone midnight? I don’t know do you? Let’s say Mountain Time Zone midnight (M.S.T.), just because no one else cares about that time zone or region of the U.S.

When everyone wakes up the next morning, the Mogwai-5 are cocooned in green slimy eggs. My first thought (if I’m Billy)…Oh sh*t, I f*cked up. I might need to kill something before these things hatch...but I’m not Billy. Instead, let’s tell mom and hope she knows what to do and then take off to do my normal day activities, leaving mom home alone with these mysterious eggs.

Later on that afternoon the eggs hatch, and those cute little Mogwai-5 turn into a vicious, killing, little green Furbies (Gremlins). The Gremlin at the school is hatched right as school ends for the day. The Gremlin kills the “token” science teacher by biting his hand and stabbing him in the butt with a syringe right before Billy arrives to save the day.

It’s weird how at the end of the school day everyone disappears from school. When Billy arrives, he just walks into a vacant school before stumbling on the dead science teacher. I know at my school there were still kids hanging around whether they were waiting for mommy to pick them up or in detention or using the library (NERDS!) or all the jocks and cheerleaders hanging out before practice.

Back to the story…Billy discovers what happens when they hatch out of the egg and flees home to save mom. Meanwhile, mom discovers the hard way, as the Mogwai-four hatch, torment Gizmo and throw him down the laundry chute and head for the kitchen.

At this point if you have realized that Gremlins like food, then you’re a moron. Yum, yum! Mom slaughters a few Gremlins in the kitchen using common household appliances. Billy arrives home just in time to see mom battling one of the Gremlins hidden in the Christmas tree and then Billy chops off his head with a sword sending the skull into the family’s fireplace. This is good sh*t!

Spike, the survivor of the Mogwai-5, breaks a window and flees out into the snowy night. Billy drops off mom at the neighbor’s house, returns and finds Gizmo trapped in the laundry chute, and then follows Spike’s footprints in the snow.

This is where I pause the movie and debate with The Shark about how water is snow in one of it’s three states of matter (solid, liquid, gas), so wouldn’t Spike be multiplying as he’s traveling through the snow. Oh well, we’ll chalk it up as a plot hole.

Billy the Tracker, tracks Spike down to the local Y.M.C.A. of Kingston Falls. Spike breaks in to the Y.M.C.A. and jumps into the swimming pool creating a spectacular visual effects scene of red, green, yellow smoke and a bubbling swimming pool. Billy sees this and freaks out and bails like a mother fucker to the local police station. Hundreds of Gremlins are created and cause trouble on the little town of Kingston Falls.

Billy rescues his girlfriend, Kate (Phoebe Cates) who is trapped working in a bar catering to a bunch of Gremlins, pouring them beer and feeding them. Back to our discussion of water and multiplying…does beer not have water in it as a key ingredient?

Billy saves the girl as they shack up to lay low in their work place, the local bank as the Gremlins cause problems in the streets of the town. Kate explains to Billy why she hates Christmas (see Shark’s review), as hours go by.

After a while, the streets are silent and vacant, so Billy and Kate and Gizmo venture out to find out what happened to the Gremlins. They discover the Gremlins in the movie theatre watching Snow White & the Seven Dwarfs, singing “I Ho! I Ho! Off to work we go!” Billy and Kate sneak into the movie theatre and turn on the gas and blew up the theatre killing the Gremlins.

Movie over…or is it? As Billy and Kate sighs relief, they discover Spike in the window of the local Montgomery Ward store eating candy. Yum, yum! Spike bolts into the store as Billy, Kate and Gizmo follow Spike into the department store. Billy gets his ass kicked by Spike inside the store as Kate bumbles around trying to turn on the department store lights. And Gizmo drives around the store in a toy Barbie Summer Corvette.

I asked the Shark, how does the car drive? Plot hole. Kate accidentally turns on the store’s display water fountain and right as Spike jumps into the water to multiply, Gizmo drives the car up a shovel ramp, sending him flying into the air taking him over to the store window blinds. Gizmo pulls down the blinds, letting in the morning sun rays, shining down onto Spike, melting him to a pulp of green goo.

Rule #1 violated! Gizmo saves the day! Old-fart Chinese dude shows up that morning and he puts in his “two cents worth of logic” to the family about responsibility of owning a mogwai and then takes Gizmo away.

Villain:

Cute little Mogwai + food after midnight (M.S.T) = green, slimy, killing, mischievous little men (Gremlins). Perfect score!

Cast:

Outside of Billy being a wussy and a little weird, I liked the cast. There could have been more hot chicks, but oh well, it’s a kids movie. Corey Feldman continues his great horror movie roles with this one.

SFX/Gore:

Only two dead bodies on the screen, go figure one of them was a black guy. Special effects were cheesy in a good way. For being early 80’s, they were pretty damn good. It was over the top slimy, and gooey stuff for the “Gremlin” look. Special effects bonus for every failed invention by Randall Peltzer:

The Bathroom Buddy: 1 pt.

The Peltzer Egg Cracker: 1 pt

The Peltzer Orange Peeler: 1 pt

The Peltzer Coffee Maker: 1 pt

The Peltzer Cordless Phone: 1 pt (he was on to something!)

The Peltzer Automatic Hammer: 1 pt

The Peltzer Multi-Fly Swatter: 1 pt

The Smokeless Ash Tray: 1 pt

TNA:

The movie should have had something more here. We get one hot chick (Shark Factor) in Phoebe Cates (pictured right…remember that scene in Fast Times of Ridgemont High as she climbs out of the swimming pool and…hmmmm). The only pair of tits we see are Billy’s as he changes his shirt in front of the way younger Pete.

What’s up with that? A nineteen-twenty something hanging around with a nine year old boy. I don’t know, something fishy going on there. Especially since he always invites him up to his room in the attic to show him "something".

Story:

Outside of the film being unrealistic the story is sound. They tricked us early on with all the cutesy stuff and then BOOM! Angry little green men killing people and causing havoc in a small town.

T.Gun's Take:

Gremlins was one of my favorite childhood movies of all time. I remember seeing this movie in the theater over and over. This movie represents the 1980’s and my childhood in many ways. They had a mini Donkey Kong video game, showed the old Star Wars arcade game, plush E.T. dolls, perms, cable T.V. line, VW Bug, clip on ties, gimmick inventions, old school video projectors for science films, boom boxes, etc.

Misc Movie Trivia:
-Film opened on June 8, 1984 and made $153 million at the Box Office ($12.5 million opening weekend)
-Gremlins was Warner Bros Pictures response to other studio's summer hit movies. Here's what also came out that summer:

Ghostbusters (Columbia Pictures) & Indiana Jones: Temple of Doom (Paramont)

Ghostbusters: released on same day and made $238.6 million at the Box Office ($13.6 million opening weekend)

Indy 2: released on May 28, 1984 and made $175 million at the Box Office ($33.9 million opening weekend)

- Downtown streets filmed on the same set as Back to the Future downtown streets
- Movie Titles on the theatre's marquee at beginning: "A Boy's Life" & "Watch the Skies", they were working film titles for Spielberg's E.T. & Close Encounters of the 3rd Kind
Indy 2 & Gremlins considered first film's with the "new" PG-13 rating.