Friday Remake Rant #2

Part 2 0f Friday Remake Rant

Click here for Part 1

2. Jason runs.

So far we've seen the clips and trailers, and yes, Jason runs. Big deal. Get over it.

Dumb fan: "THIS SUCKS. JASON NEVER RUNS.JASON NEVER EVER FUCKIN RAN. He always has a steady, slow, certain pace. Even if you take a jet and fly around the fuckin world to an Island, he'll be RIGHT THERE waiting to collect your head."

Have you EVEN watched any of the earlier Friday's? I've seen them and he did run time to time. For some reason, over time his character changed into a slow moving zombie who will always catch his prey no matter how fast they would run. This eventually built up to a comical aspect of the film and franchise. All the movie watchers always knew that he always seemed to catch up and kill the running victim. It was a joke. We all knew it. The dumb fan even points that out in their quote.

Lets try to go by NFL standards and logically think this through.

For instance, lets use 40 times. How fast can someone run 40 yards? A slow runner (big ass defensive/offensive lineman) can run like a...let's say 5.67 in a 40 yd dash.

If you watch the "chase" scenes in the movies, you typically see a 10 second run before Jason mysteriously pops out from behind a tree or when the person falls...is right there to hack them up. So a 10 second run is kind of equivalent to running...80 yards. Sure, lets play it safe and tack off another 10 yards because we not all athletes and it's still 70 yards away.

That's pretty damn close to being on the other side of the football field. Now let's compare that to someone walking. Some one walking might not even cover 15 yards in that time. But not Jason, he just magically appears to hack them up. What a joke! We all know he's gonna be there to kill the person even though scientifically it's just not possible.

So Jason "runs" in this one. Big deal. He's done it in the past. It makes his character a little more believable than magically appearing behind the tree up the road. And if you still don't buy that, then it's not like they haven't change his character before. Hair...no hair...hair...no hair. Even the hockey mask changes a little bit each movie. I don't see you bitching about that.

GET OVER IT! He runs a little bit. It's not a life threatening change here.

My Bloody Valentine Remake

Remember them beer lovin', hockey playin', Canadian miners who couldn't host a Valentine's Day party? Eh. Well, they're back! New and improved and right off the Hollywood remake/re-imagining product line! And the best part....

Drum roll please...

It's in 3-D!

Yeah! At least as long as the 3-D effects are better than that cardboard cut out of a shark slowly moving toward you in Jaws 3(D). Is Harry Warden back? Cross your fingures. We'll find out! Eh.

My Bloody Valentine hits theatres on January 16, 2009.

Original My Bloody Valentine Review Link

Trailer:

Review #113: The Happening (2008)

Cast/Notable Credits:
M. Night Shyamalan (Director): The Sixth Sense (1999), Signs (2002), The Village (2004)

Mark Wahlberg (Elliot): Fear (1996), Boogie Nights (1997), The Perfect Storm (2000), Planet of the Apes (2001), The Big Hit (1998)

Zooey Deschanel (Alma): Elf (2003), The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (2005), Bridge to Terabithia (2007), Yes Man (2008)

John Leguizamo (Julian): Die Hard 2 (1990), Super Mario Brothers (1993), Spawn (1997), Ice Age Trilogy, Land of the Dead

Betty Buckley (Miss Jones): Carrie (1976)

Spencer Breslin (Josh): The Kid (2000), The Cat in the Hat (2003), The Shaggy Dog (2006)

Trailer:


Plot:

The movie starts off in Central Park where New Yorkers are going about their own daily business when a gust of wind blows through the trees and people in the park start committing mass suicides. Construction workers heave themselves off buildings, and a lady stabs herself in the neck with a hair pin. Hey, not a bad start here. I can dig it.

The story breaks the air waves and the popular belief is that it's a terrorist attack. Some how terrorists have released a deadly toxin in the air the starts a chain reaction with the brain's chemistry that makes people oft themselves. Those evil-doers are at it again! M. Night Suck-a-lon Happens to be one of them, because the movie loses my interest afterwards. Note: STOP THE MOVIE RIGHT NOW IF YOU'VE ALREADY MADE THE MISTAKE IN RENTING IT!

Moving forward...in Philadelphia, school teacher Elliot Moore returns home to his "on the fringe marriage" with his wife Alma. They pack their bags and decide to take the train out of town in fear of large cities being attacked. Tagging along is Elliot's friend Julian and his daughter Jess. The four head out of town and shortly in their wake, a Philly park is the epicenter of another series of mass suicides.

The train abruptly stops after losing contact with the operators and all passengers are left on their own. Elliot's pack travel to a local diner to learn that the upper eastern seaboard has been effective by this epidemic and they are stuck 90 miles from the edge of the hot zone. Julian leaves Jess under the care of Elliot as he ventures back to Princeton to find his wife. A dumb move on his part because it's becoming clear that anyone in the areas are dead by now. What a father he turned out to be, instead of protecting his child, he pawns her off and runs off to find his statistically proven already dead wife in an affected epidemic zone.

Elliot, Alma and Jess hitch a ride with a hippie couple through the country back roads of Pennsylvania. The hippie couple believes that the attack is brought on by...are you ready for this?...plants and not terrorists. Yes. Plants. The theory is that plants have become threatened by the human race and has released deadly toxins into the air to neutralize the threat. The killer plants release their toxins in heavily populated sections and the wind blows it through the air. Guess what? It Happens that the hippies are right. Killer pissed off plants.

Bottom line for survival is...travel in small groups. Oh wait, the movie violates that rule along the way as Elliot and company travel on foot through the country lands and survives a "killer plant wind attack" while looking for a place to stay and wait it out. Unfortunately the know-it-all hippies fall victims along the way as Elliot's group finds shelter.

They hook up at an old lady's farm in the boonies. She is completely out of touch with the world, no radio or technology. She's a crazy old hag that lives by herself in the country lands growing her own food on the farm. Apparently the government has no interest on taxing her for her lands. The next morning the old lady falls prey to the killer plant toxin and Elliot becomes separated from Alma and Jess as they are trapped in the barn across the farm as he lays low in the house.

Threatened by dying lonely, they all decide to tempt fate and let love guide them to each other as they venture outside into the wind. They slowly walk across the yard that separated them as the wind howls through the grass and trees and then...nothing happens. The epidemic has stopped and everyone is free to go back to whatever they were doing. As Celine Dion puts it, ♫ "It's the Power of Love". ♫

Wait a second...did the epidemic stop because of the Power of Love, or did that just happen to be a coincidence at the same time it stopped? If it's because of the Power of Love, then I'm pissed. That's complete bull crap. The Power of Love saves the day in a horror movie? It Happens that I want to commit suicide now.

The experts and media theorize that it was a warning from nature to us, "that we are killing the planet". Others think it was the government since only the upper eastern seaboard was effected. The movie ends three months later in a park in France where "The Happening" starts over again. Sequel? I hope not.

M.Night Suck-a-lon sucks us into another one of his over hyped weird*ss thriller...or thrill-less...movies. The Happening is not like "happening cool". Its quite the opposite, it's not Happening. Something Happened and left a fowl stench behind. I Happened to almost fall asleep because I was so bored.

It Happened to be that all the acting was poor in this movie. They were horrible paper thin, cardboard cut out characters that displayed little emotion or acting abilities. Usually that's alright with me in horror movies, but when a movie is supposed to be "suspenseful" and the story is built around the characters and they end up being done poor, it just makes for a bad movie.

Mark Wahlberg Happened to be a horrible choice for the lead role. He was supposed to be an optimistic, goodie two shoes school teacher and husband. But that's not his character! Just stick to the cop and marine roles! Roles where you can shoot people, blow sh*t up and battle off evil monkeys. Or just go back to Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch. ♫ It's just them Good Vibrations! ♫

Zooey Deschanel round out the cast of "never should have been casted". I'm usually a big fan of hers, but she didn't fit in her role. Her character was a cardboard stoned faced, stuck up, cold hearted, crazy b*tch. She has beautiful bright blue eyes, and that's all she did in the film was stare with her eyes wide open into the camera. That's the highlight of her acting abilities in this one. Can her eyes Happen to get any wider?

I Happened to continue hating the pieces of crap this director puts out. The Sixth Sense was alright. I guessed the "twist" out when it originally Happened. So the rest of the movie was slow and boring for me. I didn't have the, "OMG I didn't see that coming!" moment.

Unbreakable was a unique idea with a sub par follow through. Samuel L.'s hair and outfit Happened to be just too over the top 70's style for me.

Signs...well Signs can suck my balls. That movie sucked. I had to watch it three times because I was sooo bored and kept falling asleep at various parts of the movie. Aliens who have a weakness to water attack a planet that is comprised of 66% water. Dumb asses. Why can't aliens come to Earth just to chill?

The Village...yeah...I don't know where to start. I'll just leave it as bad. Really Bad. After that movie, I put my foot down and said, "No more M. Night Suck-a-lon movies." I guess I Happened to be wrong. I saw this one.

I was able to skip the Lady in the Water movie, and intended to miss this one, but all the negative things I had heard about this film intrigued me to watch it. Kind of like the Deer in headlights affect. I know something bad is coming, but I just can't move. I'm glued to the film. I get that way a lot with bad movies. Mainly because the remote falls a foot or two from my reach and I'm too lazy to get up and get it. Therefore, I end up suffering through a lot of horrible movies.

I Happen to recommend not watching this film. Take every one's word for it, "It sucked." Save yourself the money and don't rent or buy this. In fact, any time M. Night Suck-a-lon comes out with another movie, steer away my friend. Maybe years from now, Rob Zombie's kid can direct a re-imagining of this film.

Misc. Movie Trivia:
-Film opened on June 13, 2008 and made $64.5 million at the Box Office ($30.5 million opening weekend)
-Zooey Deschanel went to high school with Kate Hudson; sister is Emily Deschanel (Bones T.V. series)
-85% of the movie takes place outside
-Answer to Julian's math riddle: $10,737,418.23

New Friday Trailer & Poster!

Poster:

Opens Friday, February 13, 2009

I like the first poster better, but this one is pretty cool too.

Review #112: AVP (2004)

Cast/Notable Credits:
Paul W.S. Anderson (Director): Resident Evil, Mortal Kombat (1995), Event Horizon (1997), Death Race (2008)

Sanaa Lathan (Alexa Woods): Blade (1998), Life (1999)

Lance Henriksen (Charles Bishop Weyland): Aliens

Colin Salmon (Maxwell Stafford): Tomorrow Never Dies (1997), The World is Not Enough (1999), Resident Evil, Punisher: War Zone (2008)

Tommy Flanagan (Mark Verheiden): Braveheart (1995), The Saint (1997), Face/Off (1997), Gladiator (2000), Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle (2003), Sin City (2005), When a Stranger Calls (2006)

Trailer:


A satellite orbiting the Earth picks up a heat signature coming from a remote location in Antarctica. Thermal images shows that the signature outlines an ancient pyramid underneath the ice. The owner of the satellite, The Weyland Corporation, assembles a scientific archaeological team and drilling team to take down to Antarctica to discover the orgins of the pyramid.

Upon arrival, the team finds that a tunnel from the surface to the pyramid has mysteriously been carved out of the ice. Anxious to be the first ones down to the pyramid, the team proceeds down to the ancient ruin without any questioning of the mysterious tunnel. Little do they know that they are walking into a Predator trap.

The Predators uses humans as "hosts" to produce the Aliens so they can hunt them. A long time ago they captured a Queen Alien as keeps her captive and frozen until 100 years pass, and then they thaw her out to produce the facehugger eggs. A few, select Predators return to Earth to hunt the Aliens as a Rite of Passage into manhood (or something like that).

Now the surviving team members must escape the ancient pyramid that reconfigures every ten minutes or become part of the "hunt" and battle between the Aliens and Predators.

Tagline: Whoever wins, we lose

Whenever Paul W.S. Anderson directs, we lose. I swear this guy directs some of the worst "should be cooler" movies ever. How is he the other half of the Milla Jovovich life story? (Pictured right) When I think of him and her, the quote from Talladaga Nights pops up. When Ricky Bobby is telling his wife's dad, Chip, "They only thing you've ever done good in your life is make a hot daughter." Kind of the same concept here. Mr. Anderson, "The only thing you've ever done good in you life is marry a hot girl."

So this is how they bring the two great franchises together. For numerous years the Sci-Fi geeks around the world had awaited this movie. Ever since we caught a glimpse of the Alien skull in the spaceship in Predator 2, we've been teased and held in anticipation for this film. And now it arrives. Finally. And I felt a little ripped off.

First of all, my initial disappointment in this film came upon learning that it was going to be rated PG-13. Really? PG-13? If you don't know me, but I have a certain disliking of slapping the PG-13 label on horror movies. It defeats the purpose of a horror movie. It's like having a PBJ without the peanut butter. A lap dance without the stripper.

Another thing about the PG-13 rating, apparently it's alright to have as much blood as you want, as long as it's green blood. Splatter that all over the screen and it's okay. But human blood, nooo, we can't have any of that. Damn Hollywood. During a random picture search, this picture came up. Whose the Alien and whose the Predator?

So just like all other PG-13 horror movies, I avoided this one at the movie theater. It's my own personal stand against the studios pulling this crap. I eventually saw this movie at work...at least the majority of it. I was a little intrigued and interested in the parts I saw, so I gave in and finally rented it.

My first impression was that it was okay. It was an enjoyable popcorn movie to watch. It definitely was better than Predator 2 and Alien 3. The story focused more on the humans in the film than it did the two species. That was a common argument for the film's disliking. "Blah, blah, blah, character development. We want more Aliens vs Predator!" I agree with that to some degree.

I didn't like that the film brought the two species into modern day Earth. I felt like it violated all the time lines, and lore between the two franchises. I would have preferred to see the two species duke it out on some other planet in another time. But that's just me. Also, I love the Lance Henriksen character in the Alien franchise, but they really didn't need to work him into this one. Made me feel the same way when Star Wars II forced Boba Fett into the story. Some things are just better left alone.

I also wasn't a big fan of the chick teaming up with the Predator at the end. That was pretty gay itself. If I was the Predator, I would be like, "F*ck you lady. You'll slow me down. I'm a trained professional. I'm on my own. Get out of my way." Instead the Predator "embraced" her into the hunt. I would have used her for bait...and many other things. Oh, that chick happened to be Sanaa Lathan (pictured left). It's not exactly the hunt I would take her on.

Overall, it was a decent movie to watch. I do give the studio credit for making each species a formidable opponent to each other. I thought they would make the Aliens into a bunch of pussies (cannon fodder), but they ended up to be a pretty tough match for the technology dependent Predators.

Misc. Movie Trivia:
-Film opened on August 13, 2004 and made $80.2 million at the Box Office ($38.2 million opening weekend)
-1st Alien or Predator movie not to receive a "R" rating
-Arnold Schwarzenegger would have made a cameo appearance if he had lost the election for California governor
-The morse code the satellite at the beginning spells out, "Whoever wins, we lose"
-Three Predators names: Scar, Celtic, and Chopper

Review #111: Deep Blue Sea (1999)

There's not a better way to kick off the Holiday Season than to sit down and review a shark movie. Huh? A little out of season? Well, maybe. But if you've ventured out into the stores and hit some of those early holiday sales, then you could probably can relate to the frenzy of shoppers swarming around the stores like sharks.

Statistics would show that more people die in stores do to holiday craziness than the number of people who die in this movie. Also to bring in the holiday spirit, this was my first ever DVD in my collection. I received it for X-mas. So it's in my holiday spirit!

Cast/Notable Credits:
Renny Harlin (Director): A Nightmare On Elm St 4: The Dream Master

Thomas Jane (Carter): The Mist

LL Cool J (Preacher): H20

Saffron Burrows (Dr. Susan McCallister): Wing Commander (1999), Troy (2004), The Bank Job (2008)

Samuel L. Jackson (Russell Franklin): The Exorcist 3 (1990), Jurassic Park (1993), Snakes on a Plane (2006), Lakeview Terrace

Jacqueline McKenzie (Janice): The 4400 T.V. series

Michael Rapaport (Tom Scoggins): Metro (1997), Hitch (2005), The War at Home & Boston Public T.V. series

Aida Turturro (Brenda): The Sopranos T.V. series

Stellan Skarsgard (Jim Whittlock): The Glass House (2001), Exorcist: The Beginning (2004), Pirates of the Caribbean 2 & 3 (2006 & 2007)

Erinn Bartlett (Girl 1): Little Nicky (2000), The Benchwarmers (2006)

Trailer:


Plot: Looking for a cure for Alzheimer's disease, scientists turn an old military submarine facility into a shark pen as they genetically alter three sharks in hopes of studying their brains to find a cure. Lead scientist on the project, Dr. Susan McCallister, conducts an "ahead of schedule" experiment on one of the sharks, the Gen-1 shark (a.k.a. The Big Mother F*cker Shark), in a desperate move to impress the company's head and save the project from being cancelled.

During the experiment, the Gen-1 breaks free and also breaks the underwater lab's big window, flooding the facility, trapping the scientist under water, and allowing the sharks to move freely in submerged parts of the facility. Chaos, deaths, and a lot of fun follows as the scientist try to get back to the surface for safety. Along the way, we learn that the scientists violated genetic laws and enhanced the sharks beyond their normal capabilities making them bigger and smarter. They were even smart enough to get this lady down to her undies in the film (Saffron Burrows pictured right).

Best shark movie since Jaws! Period.

Okay, I might be a little biased here, but I don't care. I LOVED IT! Maybe tied with Jaws 2, but it's still a great movie. Sure there may have been a few plot holes such as:

-Sharks don't swim backwards
-When a high level member of management comes down to give the final vote of confidence, businesses do not usually send everyone home and run off a skeleton crew for the weekend
-And they wouldn't do this during a tropical storm
-When a Coast Guard Helicopter crashes...usually a follow up crew goes to investigate
-A trio of sharks don't usually "triangulate" and coordinate with each other when hunting humans
-Sharks don't fling metal objects at high rates of speed at glass windows

Outside of those "minor" plot holes and a comedy of human errors that leads the scientists to their situation, the film kicked some serious butt. What would you expect from a shark movie with that type of premise? Yeah. That's what I thought.

My Best advice: Just sit back and enjoy the ride. Three words to live by: Suspension of Disbelief. Live it. Learn it. Enjoy it. And you will love this movie.

It's an All Star cast in the film, but Thomas Jane by far stole the show. He plays Carter, who is like a professional shark wrangler or something like that. He's a convicted Felon who has been given a lighter sentence by the courts in exchange for his services aboard Aquatica. He is one of four likable characters in the film. Surprisingly enough, none of them are the "mad" scientists behind the operation. Samuel L, LL Cool J and Michael Rapport are the other three. Isn't that a Big Mother F*cker Shark?

The film also provides many scary "jump" sequences in the film. As the sharks swim through the flooded underwater parts of the facility, the audience is left in doubt of the shark's whereabouts. This creates some kick a** sequences in the movie. I personally have two favorite ones: * Highlight to Read *

1. LL Cool J crosses paths with one of the sharks and retreats to his flooded kitchen. He climbs on a metal rack to get out of the water. His pet parrot is floating on a metal bowl in the water close to him. He slowly reaches down in the water to retrieve the bird, and the shark blasts out of the water at him. That scene was pretty cool.

2. Samuel L bites the dust. Trapped at the bottom of the facility, the scientist bicker about what to do next, and then Samuel L steps in a gives one of those uplifting inspirational speeches. He is standing next to a lagoon pool ranting off on his speech and then...BAM! One of the sharks comes out of the pool and chomps him in half and drags back through the pool and into the ocean. My friend Bookie and I saw this at that theater and he jumped in fright during both scenes. I think he might have even wet himself. :)

Overall, the film had some humor, suspense and pretty good special effects. They storyline was somewhat plausible (as in looking for Alzheimer's cure) but it also may have been a little bit too far fetched in the series of events. But it's still worth checking out if you haven't already.

In the end we learn that PETA was right. We shouldn't be testing on animals after all. Score one for PETA. Unless you WANT to see murder and mayhem courtesy of some genetically enhanced killer sharks. Honestly PETA should be using these types of movies to make the world conscious of it's wrongdoings on animals.

Deep Blue Sea is one of my personal favorite movies to watch. Despite some "possible" flaws in the story line, it's a very enjoyable shark movie to watch. Who knew that the director from A Nightmare on Elm St. 4 would go on a do so many descent movies?

Misc. Movie Trivia:
-Film opened on July 28, 1999 and made $73.6 million at the Box Office ($19.1 million opening weekend)
-Original ending had LL Cool J dying and Dr. Susan living

December B-Days!

Happy B-Day for the films released in December:

December 1
Turistas - 2006

December 4
Psycho - 1998

December 8
Blade 3 - 2004

December 9
Christine - 1983

December 12
Scream 2 - 1997

December 14
I Am Legend - 2007

December 16
Devil's Pond - 2003

December 18
Alligator 2 - 1991

December 20
Black Christmas - 1974
Invasion of the Body Snatchers - 1978
Scream - 1996
Santa's Slay - 2005

December 21
Sweeney Todd - 2007

December 22
Dracula 2000 - 2000

December 23
Hellraiser 2 - 1988

December 25
An American Werewolf in Paris - 1997
The Faculty - 1998
Darkness - 2002
Wolf Creek - 2005
Black Christmas - 2006
AVP 2 - 2007

December 26
The Exorcist - 1973

December 29
Ghost in the Machine - 1993

December 30
Leprechaun: Back 2 tha Hood - 2003