Grading Criteria

My friends have been trying to get me to start a blog for a while now and I've resisted until now (actually I've been to lazy). Normally I'm don't express my opinions unless I'm trying to aggravate one of my friends. I’m not politically entrenched like some, nor am I out to change the world with what ever I say. This has kept me from posting anything of importance, so in order to appease my friends, I have decided to post my views on something totally screwed up and fun…horror movies.

I love horror movies even though they are low in substance. Why? I don’t know. They are cheap entertainment at times if done correctly. I take pride in watching those horrible movies. But then again, I love watching pretty much all sorts of movies. ***EXCEPT CHICK FLICKS! *** (I told everyone that TITANIC was one of the Columbia House DVD Selections of the month that they automatically send to you, and I was too lazy to send it back...therefore I am not responsible for "purchasing" it under my own free will!!!!)

First and foremost, I am a Star Wars nut. So I can’t put anything beyond those movies. If I say something stupid like, “Best movie ever!” that doesn’t mean that it’s better that Star Wars in my opinion. Those movies are on another plain, along with the Lord of the Rings trilogy, and the Spiderman movies.

Moving on, ever since I was little I loved watching horror movies, whether being left alone at home with all cable channels at my access (HBO, Skin-E-Max, Showtime, etc.) or going over to a friend's house whose parents would actually rent them for us. Part of my disturbed childhood revolved around me waiting for the next Friday the 13th or Nightmare on Elm St. movie to come out on video/cable and then watching it as soon as I could.

I’ve decided to review horror movies and grade them based on my opinion and then display my reviews for your viewing enjoyment. I may be biased on some movies more than others. I am a “Jason”-man. The Friday the 13^th movies will hold an unfair advantage compared to all other horror movies. So if you are scratching your head after looking at my grades…get over it. That’s the way it is.

I’ve come up with a complex grading scale (only which I understand of course), and I’ll be grading the movies on five main categories and one other category that counts for half the grade (The Tommy Gun Factor). I initially wanted 20 categories, but after consulting, it's probably best I keep it down to the six.

Categories:
1. Villain: (10 point category) The make or break of a horror movie. If the bad guy is a puss, then the movie tends to suck. But if the villain is a total bad-ass-mother-fucker, then the movie will kick ass. Attitude, weapons, and appearance are key ingredients to a super bad guy. The more iconic the better. Legendary figures receive an extra five-point bonus.

2. Cast (The Meat Locker): (10 point category)

1. Hero/Heroine: Every movie usually has one or two, typically a female. The bottom line is: are they likeable or would you rather have them dead? I don’t care much about the ones that does the obvious stupid things, like run up stairs when you could bolt out the front door.

2. Characters: Usually characters are interchangeable will the movies. Ninety-nine percent of the movies have the same characters (the virgin, the token black guy, blonde slut, tough, but likeable boy friend of the virgin, etc.) The hot chick character factor applies here (one point per chick). The more the better.
1. Acting: Ha! These are horror movies not Oscar Award winning movies, acting does not exist. I repeat…HORROR MOVIES!!! Any acting is considered extra credit.

3. TNA (Boobies): (10 point category) Better have it. We want it. Sorry ladies, I don’t care about the male anatomy, I want the female goods. One point for each hot chick, set of boobies, and sex act. Negative points for no nudity.

*** When grading hot chicks there is the Shark Factor. (See below) ***

4. Special Effect/Gore: (10 point category) I’m not such a fan on over the top gore. I don’t necessarily care to see blood rush out of someone for an extra 5-10 seconds of screen time or every inch of intestines ripped out of the body. Some times the best kills are the ones you are left to imagine. Good special effects for the movie will be awarded points. Also the special effects correlate with the deaths. Bad special effects on deaths can be docked points.
1. Deaths: Typically my preference the more deaths the better. I’m also okay with fewer deaths, but I’m expecting a movie where the bread n’ butter is death. One point per death is given, but if there are useless deaths a point will be deducted. Useless deaths are considered any death of a person that is not involved in the storyline (like if someone random just shows up out of the blue and gets hacked) or the number of deaths is just unrealistic-over-the-top-unnecessary.
1. Weapons: I like seeing creative ways to die. Knives to the heart or slit throats in my opinion are cheap. Be creative, and also be reasonable. I don’t like the deaths that are unrealistic. Stabbings to non-vital organs followed by an immediate death is crap. Crap I say!
5. Storyline/Production: (10 point category)
1. This category is the rest of the movie. The type of effort that is put in by the director. Plot, setting, background, style, suspenseful ness, pace, film quality, sound, budget, etc. etc. fall into this category. The Jump Factor can be extra credit while remakes can deduct points. Good/Bad twist endings are factored in here.
2. Title/Cover Art: The title of the movie and the cover art of the case are both great indicators of what to expect in the movie. When I’m strolling in the video store when I see a title or even the cover art of a video that I like, I’ll stop to read the back cover. Rule of thumb is: if the cover art is cool the movie will suck.
6. Tommy Gun Factor (50 point category)
1. The TGF, not TGIF, counts for half the grade. Bottom line is, did I love the movie or hate it. I can grade on anything I like or dislike.
2. If I dragged my friend Bookie to the movie in the theater = 10 point bonus. If he was forced to watch it on video/T.V. then = 5 point bonus. Also, if I dragged/forced any of my other friends to watch it = 5 point bonus.
3. Cameos of actors/props can be awarded or deducted based on good taste.
4. If the movie is in my top ten = 10 pts.
5. If the movie is considered a classic (by my account) = 10 pts
6. Usually cool cars received extra 2 pts per car.
7. Shower Scene = 1 pt each
8. Anything else I will denote in my comments.

Some categories may have extra points in them. I am a firm believer in extra credit points. After all, I probably wouldn’t have graduated without it. It’s my grading criteria I can do whatever I want (As you will see in the future, I’ll bend rules to my liking).

Shark-factor: What is the shark-factor? Unlike the Matrix, I’ll explain the shark-factor. A while back, I was with my friends watching the Planet of the Apes (1968 version). My friend Bookie commented on how hot the chick in the flick was and pretty much said he’d give his left nut to have her. Then my other friend, Shark, commented, “You know she’s like sixty now!” And that dampened the day. So every time we’ve watched an older movie and mentioned how hot the chick was, Shark came in and ruined the day. So to fairly grade the “hotness” of the chicks in the films, I need grade them based on how they looked year they were made and not how old they would be now. So the shark-factor is to make up for any time-age-difference for the women in the films between present date and time and production date and time. So F*** You Shark!

So there's a glimpse to my madness. I'll be posting movies randomly as I go. So have fun reading my rants and raves of the movies.


Tommy Gun